Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What can one do in a school setting if parents are opposed to teachers teaching their children about forgiveness?
In our experience, we have not to date encountered this situation and we have worked with many teachers across the world. If it were to happen, I suggest that you explore, if the parents are willing, their assumptions about forgiveness education. Do the parents think that you are teaching the child a particular religion? Another issue you might consider is this: Are the parents angry about something or someone in their own life and so are opposed to they, themselves, forgiving? You do not want to become the parents’ therapist, of course, but being aware of their possible anger will at least be an insight for you. At some point, you could consider saying, “Sometimes people have been deeply hurt by others and so they do not want to forgive. They consider it too painful and they are not ready.” It then is up to the parents to take this and work with the insight or not.
You have a specific process for adults to follow if they want to forgive. Do you have a similar process for children?
Children usually do not have the cognitive maturity to deal with 20 units of a rather complex process. I recommend starting smaller with children by introducing them to the concept of inherent worth: We all have built-in, unearned value. As a child begins to see this in loved ones, you can start to generalize this by asking: Do you think that people who are unfair to you and hurt you have built-in worth? Why or why not?
Suppose a child was never introduced to forgiveness and now as an adult wants to forgive. What would you suggest for him/her to do?
First, the person should start small. By this I mean, do not start with a person who has been thunderously unfair. Instead, begin with a different person who might be annoying but not gravely unfair. The book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness, or the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, would be a good guide for beginning the forgiveness process.
If I forgive my own child for misbehavior I am concerned that this is giving the wrong message. I might be creating a sense of entitlement for that child who now comes to expect forgiveness and so continues to misbehave.
As you forgive, be sure to included justice as well. Yes, forgive when you are feeling resentful, but then ask something of the child so that correction occurs. When you ask for fairness when you are less angry, then what you ask may be even more fair than if you ask when fuming with anger.
I think that offenses against children are the worst because they are innocent persons who could carry their hurt into adulthood, compromising health and relationships. How can we go about helping children to forgive if they have not yet had serious unfairness against them?
We have teacher guides for forgiveness education in which the teacher gives the forgiveness instruction through stories. As children and adolescents see how story characters resolve conflicts and do the inner transformation of forgiveness, then they have models of how to forgive. It is important that students are not pressured to forgive, but are drawn to it if they wish to try it.
