Ask Dr. Forgiveness
If I do not meet the full definition of forgiveness in my forgiving life, have I failed at forgiveness? In other words, if I do not get to the positive side of forgiveness and do not have benevolence toward the one who hurt me, am I a failure at forgiving?
The ancient Greek philosopher stated that none of us reaches perfection in the expression of any moral virtue, and so this would include forgiveness. The late Louis Smedes in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, states the same thing. He said that we are all imperfect forgivers. Therefore, in our forgiveness journeys, we do not right away feel compassion toward the other or have positive thoughts about the person. These take time. If you have done the work of the forgiveness process and have reduced negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward those who have been unfair to you, please note that you have made considerable progress. You can feel free to choose continuing on the forgiven pathway if you want to go deeper in this moral virtue.
If I enter Forgiveness Therapy for my own good, to be relieved of ongoing anger and discouragement, is this selfish? If it is selfish, will this hinder my progress in this kind of therapy?
There are various goals or endpoints in the process of forgiving. For example, you might forgive for the sake of someone who has asked for forgiveness. You also might forgive simply because it is inherently good. Another reason for forgiveness is to alleviate your own anger or discouragement, which is not selfish; rather, it is a form of self-care. As an analogy, if you have torn cartilage in your knee, is it selfish to seek medical help for self-care of the knee?
What is the difference between “venting” one’s emotions to a counselor and discussing with the counselor the injustices I have suffered from others? I ask because “venting” is sometimes seen as intensifying emotions. Will discussing the unfairness intensify my emotions?
To vent is to express intense emotions. When you discuss, you are not necessarily and deliberately showing intense emotions such as anger or disgust. Your discussions can take the form of rational thought, careful expression of that thought, and controlled behavior. The venting sometimes is called “catharsis,” which at first can lead to a feeling of relief. Yet, if the emotions are not healed, which forgiveness over time can accomplish, then such venting can increase the intense emotions. Also, please keep in mind that the point of discussing the injustices in Forgiveness Therapy is toward the goal of seeing the effect the injustices have had on you so that you can reduce those effects (such as unhealthy anger, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem).
When I went to seek help from a therapist for my anxiety, he tended to focus on my current symptoms and what triggers the anxiety in the here and now. What do you think of this?
For some clients, the anxiety, in fact, is triggered by current situations that are causing stress. Yet, it is worth exploring whether or not there are injustices in your past that have made you angry and perhaps mistrustful. If this is the case, then your forgiving the people who were unfair to you may be an important step in reducing the anxiety. In other words, focusing on current symptoms and current reactions may not be sufficient to more deeply reduce the anxiety.
If people never behaved with toxic or unhealthy anger, would forgiveness even be necessary?
Research has demonstrated the psychological advantages of forgiving others, but this is not the only reason people do it. Like justice, love, and respect, forgiveness is a moral virtue, making it good in and of itself. Forgiveness can exist in your life and the lives of others as long as it is based on demonstrating virtue, whether or not there is psychological gain. To directly answer your issue, it is unlikely that the human condition in the future will consist merely in responding to injustices with mild, transient, and healthy anger. For this reason, the psychological need for forgiveness will remain.
