Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I don’t understand what is so bad about just wanting a person who deeply offends me to suffer punishment in this world. It is well deserved.
Aristotle reminds us that when we practice the moral virtues, we should avoid practicing any one of them in isolation. As an example, a courageous non-swimmer who does not bring wisdom along with the courage might decide to jump into a stormy sea to save a drowning dog, only to lose his own life in the process of trying to save the dog. It is the same with justice being in isolation. If you are angry with the one who offended you, the kind of punishment that you would want for the other might be too severe and out of balance. In other words, the virtue of temperance is missing. If you bring forgiveness alongside justice, then the kind of justice you seek may be less severe and actually more just. Forgiveness may bring out more clearly the virtue of temperance.
My counselor informed me that I would be “enabling” my boss if I continued to overlook his impolite actions. I believe he is trying to tell me that I am simply slipping into his hurtful routine without challenging him or offering constructive criticism. So, can forgiving someone else amount to “enabling” his bad behavior?
The question implies that one who extends forgiveness also supports an individual’s unfair actions. That’s essentially the meaning of the word “enabling.” For example, when one partner engages in harmful behavior, such as binge drinking, the other spouse downplays it and even finances the bad behavior. Forgiveness would not be a moral virtue at all if this were the case. That would be a vice. However, for forgiveness to be a moral virtue that involves showing kindness to another person, rather than “enabling,” it should: a) acknowledge injustice for what it is; b) extend mercy without endorsing what the other person is doing; and c) be accompanied by justice so that the other party has a chance to make amends.
If I wait to forgive, maybe a few weeks, does this make me a bad person? Should I try to forgive as soon as someone hurts me?
Forgiveness is a process that can take time. When we are treated cruelly by others, we often start with a period of short-term anger. The anger basically gives this message to the other person and to you: “I am a person of worth and you should not treat me this way.” Allow yourself this period of short-term anger and a period of some cooling off if you need these prior to forgiving. Once this initial anger subsides, you may be in a better position to forgive.
This may sound kind of odd, but when I forgive someone, I can feel guilty about it. I don’t always feel guilty about forgiving someone who has treated me deeply unfairly, but occasionally, I do. I don’t think the individual deserves to be forgiven. What assistance can you provide me to lessen my guilt?
When you forgive, you might be feeling badly about yourself because you believe you are letting the other person off the hook. If this is the case, you are considering forgiveness to be a component of the virtue of justice (i.e., treating others fairly and giving them what they deserve). If this is how you are thinking, it makes sense that you could feel guilty when you forgive since you would think that you are undermining justice. We want to act justly, not support injustice, after all. However, forgiving is not about justice-seeking. Instead, forgiveness is offering goodwill to someone who has injured you, not because of what this person did to you, but despite this. When extending forgiveness, try to keep two things in mind: a) You’re not letting someone off easily, but rather, you are showing mercy, and b) you can practice justice as you show mercy by forgiving. Put another way, hold the other person to a reasonable standard of justice when you forgive. This probably will assist you in forgiving without feeling guilty.
Does someone have to make reparations before he can forgive? I’ve noticed a recurring theme in some social media about forgiveness: Forgiving someone doesn’t happen unless the offender makes amends. I believe that the offender’s requirement is inappropriate. What do you think?
I agree with you for three reasons. First, the injured party is stuck in unforgiveness until the other thinks it’s time to make amends. This is unfair to the victim of the offense. In other words, the victim may have no way of reducing or eliminating the resentment without forgiving, which now is denied to this person.
Second, why is it impossible to be both forgiving and just, to support the other person in making changes, at the same time?
Third, no other moral virtue—such as kindness, patience, or justice—needs a particular reaction from another person before it can be exercised. Why should the one exceptional example of all the moral virtues be forgiveness?
Before someone may forgive, does the perpetrator need to offer apologies or reparations of some kind? That seems not to be the case.
