Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I come from a culture which highly honors parents. One of my parents was so mean to me. I am thinking about forgiving, but it seems disrespectful. After all, if I forgive, I am saying that my parent did wrong and that is disrespectful in my culture. Do you have any suggestions for me?
When you forgive, you do not disrespect the one you are forgiving. On the contrary, you begin to see the other as having intrinsic (built-in) worth. As you forgive, you see that you can respect the person-as-person, not because of what was done, but in spite of this. Try to keep a distinction in mind between actions which can be wrong and persons who still can be respected in spite of the actions.
Forgiveness asks too much of victims. Why should victims now have to do all this work?
If someone breaks your leg, is it inappropriate for you, the victim, to go to the emergency room, endure surgery, and struggle with the physical rehab? It is the same with forgiving. If someone breaks your heart it is reasonable to do the emotional heart surgery that is forgiving.
With all this talk about forgiveness, I am not thinking that forgiveness is a choice but an expectation from others. How can I avoid that pressure?
The first step is to realize that others may be creating this expectation for you, as you are obviously aware. A second step is to realize that most people do not necessarily mean to put pressure on you to forgive. As a third step, if people do put pressure on you to forgive, please realize that they have your best interest at heart but may not be going about it in a way that is helpful for you. When pressured, please realize that to forgive can take time and you cannot always respond positively and quickly to those who have hurt you.
Is forgiveness so natural that we can go ahead even if we were raised by parents who were indifferent to forgiveness or even talked against it?
I do not see forgiveness as a natural part of our humanity, at least for the majority of us. To forgive requires effort and patience and practice. We are affected by what we learn about it, by observing others’ attitudes toward forgiveness, and by the models we have of people who forgive or who do not forgive. One issue to note is this: If parents insist that children forgive and that the other say, “Sorry,” then the process can become too mechanical without the depth of knowing what forgiveness is or appreciating it on a deep level. Forgiveness education is important if a child will learn well how to forgive.
On page 217 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say this, “Harboring resentment makes us suffer even more than did the original injury.” Would you please clarify what you mean?
Resentment can make us bitter, tired, pessimistic, and unhealthy if it is deep and if it lasts for years and years. Resentment like this is a slow killer and can rob us of our happiness. An original injustice can be severely challenging, but with a right response to it, will not destroy our happiness for the rest of our lives.
