Ask Dr. Forgiveness

You use the term “accept” or “bear” the pain of others’ injustices. Does this mean that we handle this ourselves or do we need help?

I think that help of some kind is always good if that help is wise and supportive.  In other words, speaking with someone who cares about you can help with the carrying of the pain and the lifting of that pain.  So, talking it out is a good thing as long as the other understands, cares, and does not pressure you to forgive.

I am about to start with the forgiveness process, but I wonder if my problem allows it. What if you are harassed by others, your reputation is being destroyed and you are sabotaged in every way and it is still ongoing? Would you recommend trying to end that relationship before you start to forgive or is forgiveness the key to end it? And is the guide in the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, also working for this sort of problem? Have you experiences with forgiveness and mobbing given that it is quite epidemic nowadays?

We recommend first protecting yourself. Try to end the interactions with those who are, in your words, mobbing you. Once you are safe from further harm, then you can begin the forgiveness process.

Yes, we have encountered this kind of injustice. As you are seeing, it is more involved than forgiving one person for one injustice. We recommend that you first forgive one person in this mob (and not the one who has hurt you the most deeply; you need a chance to slowly learn to forgive). Then, when you have forgiven this one person, start to forgive another and then another, one at a time. You may have to go back to those whom you have forgiven as anger emerges again, but this is often the case with people who practice forgiveness.

Please be gentle with yourself as you work through these multiple layers of forgiveness. We are here if you have further questions.

I was wondering has anyone read “Forgiveness: A Catholic Approach,” Father R. Scott Hurd? I am looking for a good book on Forgiveness that is from a Catholic perspective as long as some of it isnt written contrary to your Institute’s advice. Thanks.

Yes, we have read parts of Fr. Hurd’s book on the topic of forgiveness. We would recommend it as a Catholic source.  Also, if you are interested, Dr. Enright has a short paper (8 pages) on this same topic.  If you request this from us, we will send a copy by email to you. Click this link for a review of Fr. Hurd’s book “Forgiveness: A Catholic Approach.”

Does forgiveness place the burden of healing onto the victim?

When someone is deeply hurt by others’ injustices, some critics claim that forgiveness now puts the burden for change onto the victim. The claim is that this is unfair. If someone damages a knee while working out, does the surgery and subsequent rehab put the burden for change onto the victim of the injury and is this so unfair that we should ask the person not to visit the doctor, not to undergo surgery, and not to engage in rehab? Asking a victim of injustice to forgive is not a burden, but a setting-free of the pains of resentment.

What would you say to someone who is too stubborn to feel compassion toward the one who hurt him/her?

I would say this, “Your feeling compassion may take time. So, your feeling today that you do not want or need compassion is not necessarily your final word on the matter. If you refuse to examine at all the possibility of developing compassion, even over time, then you have to be careful that your own anger does not end up hurting you.”