Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Do you think that people who go through the forgiveness process and experience emotional healing have an obligation to now help others to heal through forgiveness?

As we have said on other occasions, forgiveness is a choice of the one who was treated unjustly.  Over time, as I write in the book, The Forgiving Life, people develop such a love of this virtue that it becomes a part of them.  It is at this point that some people now feel obligated to forgive and to pass that knowledge on to others.  If this obligation to help others starts to develop in you, please remember that you have chosen to make this your obligation. Others still may not feel the same sense of obligation as you and we should not condemn them for that.

Is it wrong to leave a group to which I belong because of a lot of negative attitudes by people in that group? Or, should I stay and help them to see that their negativism is not good for any of us?

The answer depends on your realistic assessment of your degree of danger in staying in the group.  If there is no danger, then forgiving people in the group and even forgiving the group itself may help you to endure the negative attitudes.  Your forgiving even might help the people to see your loving response, thus changing negative attitudes to positive.  This could take time and so please be aware of that.  Group norms do not usually change overnight.

I think I have become a more sensitive person because of the pains from injustice I have suffered. Yet, I sometimes think of this “sensitivity” as a weakness in me. I think I am not a strong person. In other words, I don’t trust myself to stand up for myself any more. What do I do?

Being sensitive does not mean that you will ignore justice.  If you see this happening to you, then acknowledge it and correct your response so that you exercise forgiveness and justice together.  Also,not trusting yourself may be related to self-esteem.  Have you been deeply hurt by someone to such an extent that it lowered your self-esteem?  If so, then your forgiving the person (and seeing his or her inherent worth) may help you to see your own inherent worth, thus increasing your self-esteem and your trust of yourself.

Why do you think that societies have not discussed forgiveness in an open and large-group way? I have never seen a discussion of this as I have, for example, about such important issues as the death penalty, abortion, and other issues that have direct implications for the overall quality of life.

I, too, am puzzled by the silence over centuries regarding a thoroughgoing discussion of forgiveness in any society in the world.  Has it just been off the radar of leaders?  Have the burdens of justice and injustice been so large that mercy has been left by the side of the road?  It could be that leaders historically have considered forgiveness to be part of religion and so have compartmentalized it there.  Now that forgiveness has made its way into philosophy, psychology, law, medicine, and education, it seems to me that it is time for leaders to encourage a discussion of forgiveness in families, in schools, and between groups and countries that experience conflict.  The world would be a better place with forgiveness growing up alongside justice in many communities, societies, and countries.

I was in what I thought was a good relationship for almost three years and then my partner abandoned ship. As I look back on it now, she never was going to come back, but once I started to forgive her, I waited and waited and waited for her, hoping she would accept my forgiveness. It never happened. I feel kind of ripped off by forgiveness because it kept me hanging around too long, about a year after she dumped me. Any insight would be appreciated.

You raise a good point about a possible weakness in the virtue of forgiveness if—if—we appropriate that virtue exclusively without justice.  When we forgive, as you say, we do sometimes delay exiting an untenable relationship as we stand in the hope of reconciliation.  Even when we bring justice alongside forgiveness, we still may delay the inevitable because forgiveness does hold out that hope of reconciliation.  

So, forgivers need to realize that the hope of reconciliation may not bring about a true reconciliation.  Yet, as forgivers wait in hope, they have to keep asking the question, “Is the other capable of entering into a true, loving relationship?”  If the studied conclusion is “no,” and if trusted confidants agree, then justice needs to come forward so that the forgiver is not left stranded for the rest of his or her life.  

Yes, forgiveness may delay the conclusion that the other will never return, but a delay is not a permanent state.  Eventually, a forgiver can and should stand in the truth of the other’s incapability of relationship (if this is true) and then act accordingly, but always in love and concern for the other.