Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I can forgive if and only if the one who hurts me repents. God forgives only after we repent. So, I am doing as God does when I forgive. You seem to emphasize unconditional forgiveness, or forgiving before the person repents. How would you answer my challenge?
There is an important distinction between God’s forgiveness and ours toward other people. God forgives sins. We do not. So, in the forgiveness of sins, God also is asking us to reconcile along with the forgiveness. When we forgive other people, we are exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness, which can be offered unconditionally to others, as can all the moral virtues, such as patience, justice, and kindness, as examples. When we reconcile with those who have hurt us, it is there that we ask for them to change, which includes repentance for the hurtful actions.
You talk about forgiving and seeking justice at the same time. I am of Asian origin and it is considered completely disrespectful to ask for justice from one’s own parent. It is even difficult to consider forgiving a parent because then you are saying that he or she is immoral, something I have been taught in my culture not to ever do. Now what?
I think we have to make an important distinction between condemning the parent and acknowledging the truth that all people are imperfect. Imperfection does not equate with condemnation. If you are able to see your parent as imperfect, then it follows that he or she will sometimes make mistakes or even do wrong. You can then forgive while you keep in mind that this is not condemnation or disrespect. In fact, it is an attempt to see your parent as possessing inherent worth despite the imperfection. To me, this is a sign of respect for the parent as a worthwhile person.
Can I forgive someone who has not directly hurt me? For example, I am a teacher and one of my students was deliberately hurt by another student. Can I forgive the one who acted badly to a student whom I admire for his honesty and perseverance?
You describe a situation which some philosophers call secondary forgiveness. In other words, you have been hurt indirectly rather than directly by a person’s injustice toward someone who is important to you. Whenever an injustice occurs which hurts you, then you are free to forgive. This can even occur when you do not even know the victim(s) but experience hurt nonetheless. An example of this tertiary forgiveness is this: the leader of your country enters into what you consider to be an unjust war with another country. You can forgive the leader if that is your choice to do so.
When people ask me to forgive, I think they are asking too much of me. Forgiveness is for all of the holy people of the world and I do not consider myself that special. So, do you think it is all right if I just skip this issue of forgiveness and get on with my life as an imperfect person?
As the late Lewis Smedes said, forgiveness is for imperfect people. None of us starts out as an expert forgiver. With practice, we improve in our understanding and depth of offering forgiveness. So, I as an imperfect person encourage you to take small steps to becoming a strong forgiver.
I was deeply hurt by one of my parents when I was a child. When I think of forgiving, I do not like the idea because it will take me from my victim status. I know it may sound odd to want to keep the identity of victim, but it is all I know. And I am not ready to let my parent “off the hook” just yet for what was done to me. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?
Change is difficult for many people and so you are not alone in that. Your current status of victim seems to give you a sense of security, even if it is mixed with pain. Please think about this contrast: Would you rather keep the security, with its pain, or experience temporary insecurity so that the pain can reduce substantially? Do you think that an identity of survivor or even thriver might be healthier for you in the long-run? If so, are you willing to risk short-term insecurity to achieve this new and possibly healthier identity?
