Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Are children as young as 6 years old really able to understand the concept of inherent worth? I notice that you introduce this idea as early as first grade (in the grading system of the USA).
When you teach children about inherent worth, a key is for you not to expect perfection in the children’s understanding. The point is to introduce the idea that all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable even if they differ in intelligence, athletic ability, or any other trait that is less important than personhood itself. Children are capable of grasping that we are all human and therefore are all special.
How can I know when I have turned the corner and have truly begun to forgive?
The late Lewis Smedes, in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, gave wise counsel on this point. When you wish the person well, then you have begun to forgive. You may not have love in your heart, you may have some anger left over, and you may not want to reconcile (if the other’s behavior is harmful to you). Wishing the other well shows a softened heart and a growing compassion for the person.
Suppose that the offender has decided to avoid you at all costs. How can you give a gift of forgiveness to that offender as you suggest as part of the forgiveness process? And even if the offender is accessible, wouldn’t it be dangerous to give a gift if interacting with the person could be dangerous?
There are many ways to give a gift to a person. For example, in the circumstance in which the offender avoids you, still you can donate in his or her name to a charity. If this is a family member, you can say something nice about that person to other family members. If you are a person of faith, you might consider saying a prayer for this person’s protection in life. All of these examples avoid direct contact with a person who is considered dangerous.
Why is it anger in particular that can be so damaging to a person, compared with other emotions?
It is not anger per se that can be so damaging to a person, but the kind of anger that is deep and abiding for many months and years. This kind of anger can put one on alert so that the body does not rest. Muscle tightness, headaches, raised blood pressure, and fatigue can all lead to a changed life-style and a change in mood and emotions. When one feels constantly challenged, one can begin to feel unsafe and so anxiety can emerge. The physical challenges can lead to a loss of hope which can lead to depression. The good news is that forgiveness therapy can reduce the toxic anger so that it is no longer injurious to the person.
Is anger a primary emotion that emerges when a person is treated unjustly or are there are other emotions more central such as sadness?
There are many emotions that can emerge when a person is treated unfairly: sadness, shock, and anger are three of the central ones. In our book, Forgiveness Therapy, Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons and I make the case that deep and abiding anger is the central emotion that can put a person at-risk for psychological challenges such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. In other words, even though there are several or even many emotions one can experience following injustice, deep anger in the form of resentment can be dangerous to one’s psychological and physical health if this continues for a long time. Forgiveness therapy can cure the resentment.
