Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I just do not have the confidence to forgive one of my parents from issues of long ago. I keep telling myself that I will not be able to get it done. What can you suggest to me that might boost my confidence?

First, I suggest that you look back on your life to concrete examples of your forgiving others.  Have you had at least one successful attempt in your past?  If so, you have shown yourself that you can forgive.

Even if you have never forgiven someone, you can start now with someone who is easier to forgive than your father. Try to recall someone who has hurt you in the past, but who has not hurt you severely.  Start the forgiveness process with him or her and keep at it until you have forgiven.  Once you succeed with this person, then try another, again who has not hurt you gravely.

Once you have successfully practiced forgiveness on these two people, keep in mind the path that you walked and now apply it to your father. The practice may give you the confidence you need.

I understand that forgiving is not pardoning, but is there an aspect of pardoning in forgiveness? When the language of forgiveness is used, it’s often taken by many that the forgiver no longer seeks restitution or recompense. In this case, it’s not an inner release but a decision not to seek revenge or recompense of the damage done. Then, although it’s not a matter of legal pardoning, can it be a matter of canceling the offender’s responsibility to repay? Is there any way to distinguish forgiveness as a moral virtue practiced toward persons versus forgiveness as a cancellation of the offender’s responsibilities to repay (e.g. physical materials or physical harms)? Is there a difference between when you say you forgive the offender or his/her offenses? Thank you.

These are very interesting distinctions worthy of further thought and discussion.  For now, let me say this: When a person forgives another he or she does not necessarily cancel the need for recompense.  Recompense is an issue of justice and so it seems to me to be perfectly reasonable to forgive and then ask for recompense.  For example, suppose someone drove your car without permission and dented the fender.  Your forgiving the person would not cancel the recompense of his/her now paying the body shop bill.  Yes, there can be an aspect of pardoning if the forgiver chooses not to seek the recompense (such as not asking the person to pay the bill), but this is not part of the essence of what forgiveness is.

With regard to the final issue of forgiving offenders or offenses, forgiveness is always person-centered.  Thus, we forgive persons and not offenses.  We forgive persons because of offenses, but we do not forgive the offenses themselves.

With a climate of forgiveness, is it going to be easier for some people to continue to cause offences when they know other people may simply forgive again?

Forgiveness should take place alongside the quest for justice.  Therefore, upon forgiving it is important for the one offended, now with anger reduced because of the forgiveness, to ask for fairness from the other. This should prevent the offender from incorrectly assuming that he or she can take advantage of the one originally offended.

My brother and I are not getting along. Whenever I try to tell him that I forgive him he just gets angry and it actually is making matters worse. Do I drop the attempt to forgive him and if I do, then what can I do to get rid of this anger that has built up in me?

When you forgive, you do not have to go directly to the person who hurt you to proclaim your forgiveness. You can show your forgiveness by a smile, by paying attention when he speaks, by showing respect. Eventually, he may be ready to deal directly with your forgiveness, but for now the most loving thing seems to be to take the softer, indirect approach with him. Your inner world of forgiveness can still be healing for you under this circumstance.

I have heard that when we forgive it is for the one who does the forgiving. Yet you seem to say on this website that those who forgive do it for the one who acted badly. Which is it and why?

We have to distinguish between what forgiveness is in its essence and the consequences when we forgive.  In its essence, forgiveness is a moral virtue practiced for the good of those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is centered in mercy and love for those who offend us.  One of the consequences of forgiving is that you experience emotional healing.  So, in its essence forgiveness is for others.  In one of its consequences, forgiveness is for you.