Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Why do you think so many people get mad at the idea of forgiveness? When I mention forgiveness to some people they seem to tighten up and want nothing to do with it.

In my experience, there are two basic reasons why people bristle at the word “forgiveness.”  First, some are actually confusing the term forgiveness with other terms such as excusing, caving in, being a wimp, and automatic reconciliation without protecting oneself.  In other words, they actually are not upset with forgiveness but with a misunderstanding of it.  Second, some people are so resentful of others that they want to push forgiveness under the rug and not discuss it.  As long as they do not try to prevent others from forgiving, then this is their choice, which may not be their final word on the matter.  In other words, some day they may change and want to try forgiving.

I am a very reserved person, kind of shy actually. I need to ask someone to forgive me, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Do you have any suggestions for me so that I can get this done?

You already are showing courage in wanting to ask for forgiveness.  So, please be aware of that.  You do not have to ask face-to-face.  Have you thought about starting with a mailed letter or email?  In this way, you have the opportunity to write out what you did, why you think it was unfair, and your awareness of its effects on the person.  You can then write out the apology and ask for forgiveness.

I have forgiven a friend for rude, inappropriate behavior a couple of times and he keeps at the rudeness. I am beginning to wonder if he sees my forgiveness as weakness. Should I hold back on forgiving the next time so that he gets a different message—that I really mean it when I want him to stop the rude, mean ways?

I think the issue here is reconciliation rather than forgiveness.  You can forgive from the heart and then, with your anger diminished, ask for fairness from the other person.  As you stand firm in the request for justice, you are giving the kind of message that I think is your intention, that the behavior is inappropriate.  So, consider forgiving as soon as you sense anger arising in you from the injustice.  Then have reconciliation in mind by pointing out the behavior that you would like to see him change so that you can again come together in mutual trust.

There are a lot of shows on television that use the expression of anger as entertainment (Jerry Springer, as one example). Do you think the demonstrations of anger on such shows has an effect on the rest of us, on how we think about and deal with our anger?

For those who watch these shows, yes, I do think that anger expression can become more frequent and more intense. Research on the effects of modeling (observing and then imitating others) shows that people tend to imitate that which they see in others, particularly those whom they admire. So, please guard what you watch.

I noticed that your most recent blog (Christmas Day, 2013) talks about forgiveness education in Belfast. If others such as myself were interested in starting forgiveness education in our little area of the world, what would be some of your key suggestions?