Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Hello, I am a ‘grown up’– I am married and my kids are grown, but I still struggle DAILY with anger and pain I feel toward a family member. This person, I acutally believe may be mentally ill (bipoalar) but no one else in the family will pursure this. There were many wonderful privildeges I had i my childhood, but I was afraid a lot, and this is STILL with me. Just the other night my husband slammed a cabinet in the kitchen -accidentally- and my insides went into alert mode. This person abused mostly their spouse -hitting and verbal abuse, this person also had affairs and also sexually abused their spose. I was hit, but I was aware of the things happening to this other person -the spouse. I remember the worst was waking up one night to bieng beaten. Everyday you don’t know what mood he will be in. I am sorry to post a specific like that, my question is that this person is still in my life and even though I do not feel threatened physically, I am sitll afraid and angry. I want to forgive, but my question is wondering if forgiving the past and forgiving th present different? I am not afraid of bieng hit, but I am sickened bieng aorund this person and repulsed by them. SICKENED and REPULSED! This dominates my life. Doominates. Any ideas for me I would like to hear it. I have thought about breaking ties with my family, but that feels wrong a spiteful. Sorry this is long!!!!
From your description, it sounds to me that this person’s physical abuse has ended. If not, that is the first line of defense, to protect yourself and others by getting help from the appropriate social service agency in your area. If the abuse is over, then I recommend that you start forgiving him for his past unjust behavior toward you first and then toward loved ones who were abused. You can forgive him for hurt to others because this hurts you to see them emotionally and physically wounded.
As you forgive him for past injustices, your anger is likely to reduce. Right now you are classically conditioned to his past behavior. You associate certain things now (a slammed cabinet door) with his past violence. That link between loud noises and feeling unsafe is likely to ease for you as you forgive him. Please keep in mind that it could take months of forgiveness work to accomplish your goal of beginning to feel safe. This is ok. A few months or more is better than living with years of resentment and the unsafe feeling that accompanies this. I wish you the very best in your forgiveness journey.
I clearly understand that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same in major ways. However, if you forgive someone to the point that you really want to actively engage with the person, then, what would be the appropriate way or a wise way to seek reconciliation. Of course, the other person needs to acknowledge his wrongdoing and desire to change because reconciliation is a behavioral coming of both parties, but do you just patiently wait (in love) or do you actively initiate reconciliation? What would be the ways of reconciliation in the process of forgiveness?
I would recommend approaching the other person after first forgiving him or her so that you do not initiate the interaction with resentment in the heart. Then I would carefully—carefully—explain that you are hurt. In other words, you do not accuse, but explain how the person’s behavior has affected you inside. Psychologists call these “I-messages.” An “I-message” is seen as less confrontational than a “You-message” in which you point out that person’s weaknesses.
Then I would try to see where the person is with regard to the seeking forgiveness process. If the person denies all wrongdoing, then he or she is at the very beginning of that process. If he or she acknowledges wrongdoing, this is a big step.
Then you can see the extent to which the person is willing to practice the “three Rs” of remorse (inner sorrow for having hurt you), repentance (wanting to change), and where appropriate recompense (making up to you for the damage done). Once you forgive and he or she practices the “three Rs,” then a true reconciliation is likely to occur.
Are there different levels of anger? If there are, then will there be different strategies for forgiveness to be used with these different levels of anger?
In my book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, I make a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger. The healthy variety energizes a person to take action and to seek justice. Unhealthy anger is the kind that turns into resentment and abides deep within a person for long periods. Even within the category of unhealthy anger, there are resentments that are more intense than others.
As a general observation, I have seen that the deeper the anger and the more unhealthy it is, the longer forgiveness can take. This does not mean that people with profound unhealthy anger cannot be emotionally healed. On the contrary, we have worked with people who have moderate to severe depression and this has ceased at the end of treatment and has stayed away at follow-up testing. In the case of the incest survivor study the depression had stayed away at a 14-month follow-up.
So, the short answer is that forgiveness therapy can take longer when deeper anger is present and so the person needs patience and perseverance to overcome that anger. The process of forgiveness itself is not altered when there is profound anger. The time required is the key.
I am in a close relationship with someone I hurt. I have asked for forgiveness but I keep getting ignored. Does it ever get to a point that I can demand forgiveness when I know that the other person is just being stubborn?
I sympathize with your frustration. You are ready to be forgiven and the other is not ready to give it to you. You should realize that forgiveness is not something that you can demand from someone. That person is not obligated in an ethical sense to give forgiveness until he or she is ready. Some religions ask a person to forgive under certain circumstances (such as happens in some of the rituals at Yom Kippur in the Jewish faith, for example). If the one from whom you are seeking forgiveness is under no religious obligation to forgive, I suggest three things: patience, patience, and patience. A little encouragement from you for him or her to forgive probably would be a good idea, but done sparingly and gently.
My boyfriend and I have had a rocky time of it lately. I asked his forgiveness and all I got back was a lot of anger. How do I handle his anger and how can I get him to understand that I want his forgiveness?
First, you are showing courage by asking for forgiveness. So, please realize this. Second, your boyfriend is near the beginning of the forgiving process (anger is part of the beginning) while you are very far along on the seeking-forgiveness path. Please see this discrepancy between where you are on your path and where he is on his path. There is nothing wrong with both of you being at different places on your respective paths.
I would urge you to be patient with him and see that he is just at the beginning of forgiving. It will help if you express understanding to him. Let him know that his forgiving is his choice.
When you see that his heart is soft toward you, gently—gently—bring up again the idea of his forgiving, with the addition that you know it is his choice and that you are willing to wait for him to get used to the idea of forgiveness.
With time and perseverance, he is likely to join you in the process of seeking and granting forgiveness.
