Ask Dr. Forgiveness

My daughter who is in her 20s basically ran away from home, not literally because she is above the age, but you know what I mean. She will not talk to me and is basically shunning me. I have no clue what I did and I want her back not as a live-in child but as someone who loves and I love her. What can I do to let her know that all is forgiven?

Please think back to your daughter’s upbringing and ask yourself these questions: What happened as she was growing up that she would interpret as serious injustice against her? Did she grow up without a father, for example? Was there any behavior by others that deeply hurt her? The hurts that she experienced could go back a long way, so please take your time in sorting out the injustices that she faced. These injustices likely have made her resentful and her resentment may be fueling the “running away.” If you can acknowledge the injustices and her hurts directly to her (even in a letter or email) this will be an important first step in a slow return to the giving and receiving of love between you. Please have patience as this could be a slow process. She may need to forgive you and others. You may need to forgive her for her current behavior.

Is it possible for someone to actually improve in forgiveness? If so what do you suggest as some keys for me to do that?

Forgiveness is not a superficial action (such as saying, “It’s ok” when someone is unfair to you). Instead, it is a moral virtue, as is justice and kindness and love. Aristotle told us over 3,500 years ago that one challenge in life is to become more perfected in the virtues. In other words, we do grow more proficient in our understanding and expression of the virtues, but only if we practice them. It is a struggle to grow in any virtue, including forgiveness. So, first be aware that you can grow in this virtue. Then be willing to practice it, with the goal of maturing in love, which is what forgiveness is (loving those who are unkind to us). You need a strong will to keep persevering in the struggle to grow in forgiveness. In sum, you need: understanding of what forgiveness is, practice, a strong will, and keeping your eye fixed on the goal of improving in love a little more each day.

Isn’t it possible that if I keep forgiving the person who is insensitive to me, then he eventually realizes that he has nothing to lose in being insensitive? How can I forgive so that he does not take advantage of me like this?

Forgiveness is not an excuse to be weak when it comes to justice. As you forgive and reduce your anger, try to exercise justice from that context. In other words, with reduced anger, ask what is fair. If you do not forgive and then forge ahead with a quest for justice, you might ask for too much because of your anger. In other words, when you forgive you may end up with an even better quest for justice than would have been the case without forgiveness.

The one I am having the toughest time forgiving is myself. I have done some stuff that is not so great. I have a hard time letting myself off the hook. Any suggestions?

First, let us realize that when we forgive other people who have hurt us, we are exercising the moral virtue of love. We are loving that person, as best we can, not because of what was done, but in spite of that. Try forgiving others first, even if the hurt you experienced is not strong. I want you to get used to offering love to those who have been unfair.

Once you have done that, then consider practicing loving yourself, not because of what you have done, but in spite of that. This does not “let you off the hook,” as they say. If your actions have offended others and not just yourself, then go to those others and ask for forgiveness; make amends. You might begin to find that you can now forgive yourself by unconditionally loving yourself as you have learned to love others.

When I was a child, my father abandoned the family. Once I was grown and he did not have the pressures of parenthood, he came to me and asked for my forgiveness. I refused because I was so angry. Should I now ask my father to forgive me for not forgiving him when he asked?

You were not ready to forgive your father and now it seems that you are. Please forgive your father first, if you have not done so. Then go to him and ask for his forgiveness. Please be patient with him because he may be hurt by your earlier refusal. Also, please consider forgiving yourself for not forgiving him earlier. Please be gentle with yourself on this. After all, the hurt you suffered from your father is deep and you needed time to sort it all out.