Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Is it the case that to forgive someone that I actually have to have positive feelings toward her? I have been in a rather neutral emotional state toward her for a long time. Does this mean I have not forgiven? And is it possible to just remain in this neutral emotional state for the rest of my life?
Please think of forgiveness as a process. This means that there are different degrees of forgiveness, which can range from diminishing some anger (and only this) all the way up to a love for the one who hurt you (in the sense of being willing to serve him or her). Having neutral emotions is movement, if you started with deep anger. This does not mean that you will remain there. Movement toward positive emotions regarding the person may take time and work. If you keep working at the process of forgiveness and are motivated to continue, I doubt that you will remain in this neutral state for the rest of your life.
My husband has a bad temper. He is in therapy for this. His father abandoned the family when the children were young, which is part of why my husband now has his temper. Should I start with forgiving my husband or his father? I find that I am angrier with the father for what he did.
Perhaps you should begin forgiving your husband. There are two reasons for this: 1) It is easier to forgive those at whom we have less anger. Starting here will strengthen you for the bigger issue of forgiving your father-in-law; 2) You are in a direct relationship with your husband and so your beginning a forgiveness process now may help you to reduce your anger with him, thus improving your relationship. With you being less angry with him, then you can be a support for him as he changes.
Is it possible that as a person forgives that she can actually become a better person? If so, what does this “better person” look like?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue and thus centers on goodness. The specific goodness expressed in forgiveness are mercy and even love toward those who have been unjust and even cruel to us. As a person forgives, he practices what is called seeing the inherent worth in the one or ones who have been unfair. As the person practices inherent worth, there is a tendency for this to generalize so that she now sees all people as possessing inherent worth. So, as a person forgives and keeps practicing forgiveness, he can grow in being a more merciful and loving person who see the built-in worth of all.
I have been hurt by two different people in almost the exact same way. Both insulted me and acted like I don’t even have a brain. I found it not so hard to forgive the first person. Two times is too much and so I am having a hard time forgiving the second person. What do you recommend?
You likely have anger toward both people and so the anger toward the first one is spilling over to the second. In other words, you may have an accumulation of anger. First, please be aware of this if indeed this is the case. Then I recommend continuing to forgive the first person and persevere until the anger lessens. With lessened anger, and with the practice you now have in the process of forgiveness, you may find that forgiving the second person is easier than it was previously.
I have been going through your 20-step procedure to forgive someone. All of a sudden I hit a bump in the road and I am unsure what to do. How do I get over this bump and move forward? It concerns seeing the person as someone who has inherent worth.
It is insightful of you to realize that you have hit that bump in the road. I suggest that you revisit the units in the Uncovering Phase of the forgiveness process. Perhaps you have more anger than you at first realized. If so, this could get in your way of seeing the person as possessing inherent worth. Also, you might want to carefully examine that person’s own fears and failures as a way to see the humanity in him or her. This could help you to see the one who hurt you as human, as a person. From there you then may be able to take the next step of seeing that he or she possesses built-in worth as a person.
