Ask Dr. Forgiveness
It seems that forgiveness is very different for Jewish and Christian people. For example, Jewish people tend to want an apology before they forgive. Christian people tend to talk about unconditional forgiveness. Are these two approaches very different?
If one person requires an apology before forgiving and another person practices unconditional forgiving, this does not necessarily imply a large difference in their understanding of forgiveness. For Jewish and Christian people, forgiveness is an act of mercy toward a person or people who have acted unjustly toward the forgiver. In both monotheistic traditions, people see that all persons are made in the image and likeness of God. This insight makes forgiveness appropriate because even those who behave badly are made in that image.
Please keep in mind that some in the Jewish tradition practice unconditional forgiveness, as Joseph did when forgiving his brothers in the book of Genesis. Some Christians require an apology before they forgive. In terms of the essence of what forgiveness is, however, people from both traditions tend to share the understanding that to forgive is to practice love and mercy toward the wrongdoer.
Is it best to let the one I am forgiving know that I have done this? I have a friend who gets annoyed with me and says I am too sensitive whenever I let him know that I forgave him for something he did that I think is wrong.
This is a situation that is not as unusual as you might think. My advice is to assess the situation before you proclaim your forgiveness to him or her. You can forgive from the heart and then show this by your actions. You can even strive for a reconciliation without your verbally expressing forgiveness. Of course, reconciliation is best accomplished when the other acknowledges the wrong, you forgive and express this, and the other receives this and changes. Yet, the world is not always so neat and tidy as this. A key issue is this: Your forgiveness is not diminished if you do not verbally proclaim it and if the other does not accept it. You can go in peace knowing you have done the best that you can when you forgive from the heart.
How important is the forgiver’s motivation for considering forgiveness?
To forgive, at least in part, is an act of the will. We need to be motivated to exercise that will. Thus, the motivation to forgive is very important. Without that, the person may quit the forgiveness process when it requires hard work and focus.
Some people say they have no one particular to forgive in their lives, and so forgiveness is not relevant for them. What would you say to them?
I would say that they are very fortunate, indeed, not to have a serious injustice from another. I further would say that this kind of life will not last forever because of the nature of this world. So, please begin to learn about forgiveness now so that when the storms of life come, you will be ready.
My mother has been diagnosed with a mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder. She is constantly accusing me of stealing her money, which I have not done. I am getting exasperated. Can I actually forgive her? I ask because she probably is not giving full consent of her free will to these thoughts.
You raise an important point about whether or not we can forgive if there was no intention to harm. I think it is appropriate to forgive in some cases even if there was no intention to harm. Here is one example: Smith is not paying attention while driving and hits and seriously injures Jones. Smith explains that he was distracted and did not mean it. Yet, in this circumstance, given the dire consequences that can occur when someone is distracted while driving, this action (driving while distracted) is an injustice. Therefore, Jones can go ahead with forgiveness even though there was no intent to harm.
In your mother’s case, she may not realize the depth of hurt she is causing you because of the Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms, but even so, a mother should not be treating her daughter with disrespect and in a consistently unjust way by stealing money repeatedly. This is an injustice and so you can forgive your mother. As a final point, the Borderline diagnosis suggests that your mother does have awareness at least to a degree of her actions (“borderline” means that she sometimes is rational and sometimes not) and so she may be aware at least at times of the impact of her actions on you. If this is the case, then she may (at times) be intentional in her stealing behavior. You should go ahead and forgive if you are ready.
