Ask Dr. Forgiveness

You guys seem to have a lot of knowledge about forgiveness. I am curious. How many hours a day do you spend on forgiveness and what do you read to attain this knowledge?

Yes, we spend about 12 hours a day thinking about the topic of forgiveness. We read classic works, such as Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics and Plato’s Republic. Currently we are reading the following book chapter and journal article to challenge us:

Murphy, G. (2005). Forgiveness, self-respect, and the value of resentment. In E.L. Worthington (Ed.), Handbook of Forgiveness. New York: Routledge (pp. 33-40).

McNulty, J.K. (2011). The dark side of forgiveness: The tendency to forgive predicts continued psychological and physical aggression in marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 770-783.

We are also thinking about community-based forgiveness programs and we find this article helpful: Gibson, J. L. (2006). The contributions of truth to reconciliation. Journal of Conflict Resolution, 50, 409-432.

Our reading list is ever changing and expanding.

Added Note from the IFI Director: Dr. Forgiveness (aka Dr. Robert Enright) is the unquestioned pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness. He has been called “the forgiveness trailblazer” by Time magazine and is often introduced as “the father of forgiveness research” because of his 25-year academic commitment to researching and implementing forgiveness programs.

Dr. Enright is the author or editor of five books, and over 100 publications centered on social development and the psychology of forgiveness. He published the first social scientific journal article on person-to-person forgiveness and the first cross-cultural studies of interpersonal forgiveness. He also pioneered forgiveness therapy and developed an early intervention to promote forgiveness–the 20-step “Process Model of Forgiving.” The Enright Forgiveness Inventory, now used by researchers around the world, is an objective measure of the degree to which one person forgives another who has hurt him or her deeply and unfairly.

One of my close relatives has a really bad habit. He says to me, “Please forgive me for this….” and then he proceeds to criticize me. How can a person forgive someone who pre-meditates meanness and then goes right ahead with it? I am finding it hard to forgive this kind of thing.

I understand your frustration. The relative obviously knows this will hurt you, but then goes ahead anyway. It further is obvious that there is an intent to hurt, otherwise he or she would not ask you beforehand to forgive. Forgiveness is more difficult when we know that the other intended wrong. Yet, that is why we have this virtue: to offer goodness to others even in the face of injustice. Yours is a case of unambiguous injustice. Forgiveness would be a good idea under this circumstance, knowing it may take longer because of the intent to hurt. At the same time, please consider exercising the virtue of justice by talking with the relative about this pattern of asking for forgiveness before delivering a criticism. If he or she knows it is unjust, then restraining from delivering the criticism is in order.

What do you recommend when someone is obviously mentally ill and they spread rumors about you to the family? I have a relative in another state who has been telling my nephews that I have a compulsive gambling problem. I have never gambled in my life. Do I forgive? I wonder because this relative does not seem to be doing something deliberately wrong, given the mental illness.

Whether the intent is deliberate or not, the outcome is hurtful and so, yes, I think it is legitimate to forgive. Knowing that the person has a mental illness, and I do not want to venture a speculation about what it is, should make it easier to forgive. We have to keep in mind that even if a personality disorder of some kind is involved here, there still is free will at least to a degree. In other words, even with most mental illnesses the person can choose to express himself or herself in a variety of ways. For some reason, this relative has chosen condemnation and has chosen you. That is forgivable.

With the holidays coming up, I am feeling depressed. Family conflicts stress me out. My brother, who is coming in from another state, and I just do not get along. What do you suggest? I really do not like being so civil when I am not feeling that way inside.

The holiday time can be stressful for many people because of past memories and current conflicts. I suggest that you start a daily exercise of forgiving your brother for little things, those that can make you irritable. Try to take one small incident at a time and work on the process of forgiveness as outlined??in the “Need to Forgive?” section of our website. More detailed advice is in the book, The Forgiving Life.

Our most recent Forum discussion for adults addresses this issue of forgiving the small things.

With daily practice in forgiveness, you likely will be more ready to meet and interact positively with your brother.

Is there such a thing as preventive forgiveness in which we can practice forgiveness before we are deeply hurt by others?

This is an important question with deep implications for growing in the virtue of forgiveness. Aristotle reminded us that if we are ever to advance in the virtues, then we have to practice them regularly. What better way to advance in forgiveness than to forgive people daily for “the little things” even if we are not deeply hurt by them?

We have started preventive forgiveness education programs in Milwaukee’s central-city and in Belfast, Northern Ireland. The point of the programs is to help children understand and appreciate the virtue of forgiveness in the calm instructional setting of the classroom long before the stresses of adulthood come to visit. By being equipped with knowledge and appreciation of forgiveness as well as a familiarity of how to forgive, these children, when they are grown up, may face the challenges of life more successfully than those who do not yet know about forgiveness and might be at greater risk of excessive anger.

Read about our preventive forgiveness education programs in Milwaukee, “The Forgiving Child” and in Belfast,??“Waging Peace through Forgiveness in Belfast, Northern Ireland II.”??

You also might want to read in our Adult Forums section the topic entitled, The Little Things about Forgiveness. The discussion includes issues of prevention.