Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am married to the same man for 33 years. On the very first night of our honeymoon I noticed that this man had problems with intimacy. He really feared it. We’ve managed to have two biological children and have adopted two children. My husband doesn’t like to be touched. He cringes if I put my hand on his shoulder. Recently, he has picked up an old habit that he stopped for many years…masturbating. I have walked in on him many, many times. I’ve asked him to stop. I insisted that he see a therapist which he does weekly. I can’t help feeling like I am invisible. I feel like whatever I need/needed from him doesn’t matter to him. He doesn’t drink or womanize. He goes to work everyday. I feel very guilty for hating him sometimes. Please help.
First, let me say that I admire your loyalty to your husband. You already are showing courage, patience, and forgiveness. I suspect that something happened in your husband’s childhood or adolescence to make him cringe when touched. He likely is classically conditioned to touch in this way. Was there physical abuse in his past? If so, he needs to uncover that and, if he is willing, to work on forgiving the person who damaged his ability to be close. I would start there–with the assumption of physical abuse in his past. Please be gentle as you bring this up because he may be in denial or have a lot of pain associated with the experience (if indeed it happened).
I am on the journey of forgiveness and I am following your steps in the book, The Forgiving Life. I have hit a big bump in the road on your step of working to understand the one who hurt me. I am afraid to “step inside his shoes” because of the hurt. When I cannot do this, my entire forgiveness path kind of crumbles and I feel I am making no progress. What can you suggest to get me unstuck?
It seems to me that your trust is damaged with regard to this person. If so, please keep in mind that as you forgive, you do not have to trust at first. Trust comes when you are ready to reconcile. If this insight does not help, then please re-think your level of anger. Perhaps you are more angry than you realize. If this is so, try to forgive the person for a lesser offense. Another strategy is to begin the forgiveness process with a less challenging person. As you learn to forgive this person, you may become stronger in your forgiveness and then be able to deal with this more challenging person and his or her difficult offense against you. A key is to retain a strong will to forgive.
Making a decision to go ahead and forgive is hard. Even when I try to “will” myself to forgive by saying over and over, I will forgive,” I have a hard time doing it. What can I do when I do not feel like forgiving so that I can make that important decision to go ahead?
Our research has shown that the most difficult step in the forgiveness process is this very issue, to simply start the process by making the decision to forgive. So, please be aware that you are not alone in this. I would also recommend that you look toward the finish line (but please do not be in a hurry to get there). See down the track that there is emotional relief waiting for you. If the one who hurt you is willing, there may be reconciliation waiting for you. As you reflect on these benefits, you may be more willing to start the process. And do not forget to bring along the virtue of courage, which also will help you start.
How can we teach ourselves to bear the pain that comes our way if we find no purpose to the suffering? It seems so impossible.
If it is impossible to bear the pain caused by another’s unjust behavior, then one solution is to search for this kind of reasonable purpose. What might be some purposes of suffering on behalf of another who has hurt us? Here are four possibilities: a) bearing suffering patiently helps us to become stronger persons; b) as we bear suffering for another, we do not displace the suffering and anger onto others; c) as we bear the suffering for another, we do not displace the suffering onto our offender, which is a merciful gift to him or her; d) all of the monotheistic faiths exhort people to imitate God. If you are a monotheistic believer, then you are becoming more like God by bearing with others’ injustice in a patient and merciful way.
I am 48 years old. My parents were both neglectful and abusive to me and my 2 siblings. If they were parents today, they would have been arrested and their behavior had profound negative impact on all three of their children. My parents have never admitted or apologized for what they did and instead created a sort of fantasy story that they tell about our childhood. All 5 people involved know the stories are untrue. Me and my siblings have, in some form, reconciled with our parents and they have been excellent grandparents. The probelm is, I have trouble forgiving them because they often revert to harmful behavior (which brings the memories and emotions flooding back) and they do not acknowledge what they did many decades ago. Is the “perpetrator’s” admission required and is having no contact or relationship compatible with forgiveness?
They “have been excellent grandparents.” This may be the key to your question. At the same time, you say that your parents “often revert to harmful behavior.” Are you willing to write back and give some specific examples of “harmful behavior”? We can keep those behaviors confidential if you wish. I am trying to discern whether what you call “harmful behavior” is indeed harmful or whether current behavior which is not necessarily harmful is triggering a classical conditioning response in you. The distinction between “harmful” and “triggering a classical conditioning response” is very important for us to make because the conclusion may determine whether or not you and your children interact with your parents again.
