Ask Dr. Forgiveness
You have said that self-forgiveness may take more time than forgiving others. Why do you say this?
In my experience, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on other people. As a result, it may take longer to forgive oneself. This is why I recommend that people new to self-forgiveness first practice forgiving another person or two to get familiar with the pathway of forgiveness before attempting to forgive themselves.
Isn’t forgiveness incomplete if there is no reconciliation?
No, actually, forgiveness can be complete even if there is no reconciliation. One of the primary goals of forgiveness, in its ideal sense, is to reconcile, thereby restoring trust and harmony in the relationship. Yet, as Louis Smedes says in his book Forgive and Forget, forgiveness is for imperfect people. As you forgive, the other may reject this merciful offer and continue with unjust actions. In this case, you can be free of any resentment even though the goal of a restored relationship (if there was a relationship before the injustice) does not occur.
Is forgiveness actually possible, in a deep sense, if the one who did wrong does not apologize?
Your questions have good timing. This month’s blog on this website addresses your question. As you will see, a person can forgive without an apology coming from the other person.
When might forgiveness become enabling? I am afraid to forgive because it may give the other person the wrong idea that I am ok with his behavior.
Forgiveness in its true sense never becomes enabling. A misunderstanding may occur if either the forgiver or the one forgiven (or both) perceives forgiveness as condoning injustice. Yet, when people forgive, they can and should bring justice into the equation. In other words, as you forgive, ask something of the other so that the unfair behavior changes.
I have forgiven my partner for constant criticisms. Yet, the criticisms continue. I now am wondering if my forgiving is giving my partner implicit permission to continue the criticisms. Do you think this might be possible?
From what I can tell, you are forgiving without asking your partner to communicate with you in a more positive way. As you forgive, try to approach your partner when your anger is lower and ask about the possibility of communicating with you in a more civil and even loving way. It is not the forgiving that is the problem. It seems to me that a missing step is asking for the justice of better communication after you have forgiven.
