Ask Dr. Forgiveness
With a climate of forgiveness, is it going to be easier for some people to continue to cause offences when they know other people may simply forgive again?
Forgiveness should take place alongside the quest for justice. Therefore, upon forgiving it is important for the one offended, now with anger reduced because of the forgiveness, to ask for fairness from the other. This should prevent the offender from incorrectly assuming that he or she can take advantage of the one originally offended.
My brother and I are not getting along. Whenever I try to tell him that I forgive him he just gets angry and it actually is making matters worse. Do I drop the attempt to forgive him and if I do, then what can I do to get rid of this anger that has built up in me?
When you forgive, you do not have to go directly to the person who hurt you to proclaim your forgiveness. You can show your forgiveness by a smile, by paying attention when he speaks, by showing respect. Eventually, he may be ready to deal directly with your forgiveness, but for now the most loving thing seems to be to take the softer, indirect approach with him. Your inner world of forgiveness can still be healing for you under this circumstance.
I have heard that when we forgive it is for the one who does the forgiving. Yet you seem to say on this website that those who forgive do it for the one who acted badly. Which is it and why?
We have to distinguish between what forgiveness is in its essence and the consequences when we forgive. In its essence, forgiveness is a moral virtue practiced for the good of those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is centered in mercy and love for those who offend us. One of the consequences of forgiving is that you experience emotional healing. So, in its essence forgiveness is for others. In one of its consequences, forgiveness is for you.
I am actually afraid to find my meaning in suffering because I do not want to look suffering in the eye. What do you suggest in a case like this?
Many people are afraid to examine their own degree of suffering or even their degree of anger because they see no solution once they “look suffering in the eye” (or anger in the eye). Please remember that forgiveness is a strong solution to suffering and anger and so it is all right for you to stand in the truth and see your suffering and see your level of anger. Forgiveness is your safety net. As you see that suffering, bolstered by the confidence that forgiveness gives to you, then try to discern what meaning this suffering has for you. The result is likely to be a significant reduction in that suffering.
My friend stole some money from me while I was sleeping and when I confronted her, she denied it. But it is obvious that she took it because I had a $20 in my purse and then it was gone. How can I talk with her so that we can have a possibility of reconciling?
If you are sure that she took the money, then your first forgiving her will make dialogue easier because you will not be talking while deeply resentful. After your anger has reduced because of forgiveness, I would then initiate the dialogue and look for what I call “the 3 R’s” of remorse (inner sorrow), repentance (verbally expressing regret), and recompense (repaying the money) on her part. If she demonstrates the 3 R’s in a sincere way, this will be a first step to restoring your trust. Trust is an important step to complete reconciliation.
