Ask Dr. Forgiveness

To forgive is to substitute a happy feeling for a sad and angry feeling, it seems to me. As long as you can do that, then you are forgiving the person. What do you think of this?

You seem to have part of the essence of forgiveness correct and yet there is more depth to it. When a person goes through the process of forgiveness, then he or she (usually slowly) transforms negative emotions (anger, discouragement, resentment) into more positive ones (happiness, joy, love). Because this is a process that can take time, we probably should not use the word “substitute” to describe the emotional transformation because “substitute” sounds as if we just quickly switch out one set of emotions for another.

Besides a transformation of emotions, the forgiver transforms thoughts from negative to more positive and behaviors also to the more positive. Besides all of this, as a person forgives, he or she grows more competent and consistent in the practice of forgiveness, sometimes reaching the goal of forgiveness more quickly after the 100th attempt compared with the first attempt. I point out all of these characteristics so that you are not left with the view that forgiveness is primarily emotional and that the change typically occurs quickly, which it does not for most people who are deeply hurt by another’s hurtful actions.

Not all the time, but sometimes I feel guilty when I forgive someone who has been very cruel to me. I question whether the person deserves to be forgiven. What can you offer me to reduce my feeling of guilt?

You may be feeling guilty when you forgive because you think you are letting the other person off easily. If so, then you are thinking of forgiveness as part of the virtue of justice (doing what is fair, giving someone what he or she deserves). If you are thinking this way, then it follows that you might see yourself as thwarting justice as you forgive, which would increase guilt. After all, we want to do what is fair, not contribute to injustice. Yet, forgiveness is part of mercy (giving goodness to a person who hurt you, not because of what he or she did, but in spite of this). When you forgive, please try to remember two issues: a) You are not letting someone off easily, but instead you are expressing mercy, and b) as you express mercy in the form of forgiveness, you can exercise justice. In other words, hold the other to a high standard. This should help you not feel guilty as you forgive.

My therapist said that if I keep forgiving my boss for his boorish behavior, then I am just “enabling” him. I guess what he means is that I am just falling into his ridiculous pattern without standing up for myself or giving him appropriate feedback. So, is forgiveness the act of “enabling” bad behavior on the other guy’s part?

The question assumes that the one who forgives cooperates with a person’s unjust behavior. That is basically what is meant by the word “enabling.” Someone acts badly, such as excessive drinking, for example, and the spouse minimizes this and even gives money to the other to support the habit. If this were the case for forgiveness, then it would not be a moral virtue at all. It would be a vice. Yet, if forgiveness is a moral virtue concerned with offering goodness toward (not “enabling”) another person, then forgiveness must: a) recognize injustice as injustice; b) offer the goodness of mercy without condoning what the other is doing; and c) bring justice alongside the forgiveness so that the other is given an opportunity to correct the behavior.

How obligated am I to forgive if a co-worker, who did wrong and offended me, keeps asking me to forgive her? I am angry and just not ready to forgive.

Because forgiveness is an act of mercy (as is giving money to charity, for example), you are not obligated in a moral sense to forgive her right now for what she did. Our acts of mercy are freely given, and when we choose to do so. The fact that you are asking the question suggests that you are open to forgiveness when you are less angry. If this is the case, then you might consider letting your colleague know that you will be taking this seriously but need a little time. Part of her obligation now is to give you that time. If you do decide to forgive and get to the point that you are wishing her well (one sign that you have made progress in forgiving, which is based on the wisdom of the late Lewis Smedes), you could at that point let her know that you forgive her. These words would be part of your forgiveness process and so should be delivered with humility rather with a sense of triumph or superiority.

I have a friend who could benefit from forgiving her mom, but I am not sure what the best way is to introduce the topic to her. Any suggestions about how to do this so she takes it seriously?

There are two ways I would suggest introducing forgiveness to your friend. The first one is what I would call the “lighter” approach. If you are watching a film in which there is a theme of forgiveness, try to make this into a teaching moment by simply and gently discussing what injustice happened, how the forgiver went about the forgiveness task, and what the outcome was. It could plant a seed.

The second approach is to focus on your friend’s pain as a result of the hurt from her mom. Pain is a great attention-getter and motivator. If you can enter into a discussion of the friend’s emotional pain, and then let her know that there is a solution to this pain, she may listen. When you tell her the solution is forgiveness, she may balk at first, but tell her the truth: Forgiveness can reduce anger, anxiety, and depression and increase hope. She may give it a try if the pain is deep enough.