Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I am stuck. I just can’t seem to progress in forgiving my father from years ago. I have examined my anger and it is considerable. When I feel this anger it is hard to go forward because of it. What do you suggest?

First, you should realize that your acknowledging the anger is a big step. Sometimes people have difficulty seeing this because they are afraid of the anger. We are not supposed to be angry or we are not supposed to be angry with certain people. Be encouraged that you have broken through the psychological defense of denial.

Many people say that the next step after acknowledging the anger is the hardest. That step is the decision to forgive. It is like starting a new exercise program, for example. The thought of going to the gym, taking out the membership, and getting started can be confusing and challenging. You are not alone in feeling some apprehension with this new step of deciding to forgive. Exercise the virtue of courage as you move forward and you will no longer be stuck as you decide to engage in the process of forgiving your father.

I’ve come with a question about bearing pain – I get the goodness in not passing it back to the injurer or onto others – but don’t quite understand what I actually do with it when I’m bearing pain? Is it about my perception of the pain changing from being ‘negative pain’ to ‘positive pain’ and is that a healthy path to go down?

When we use the term “bearing the pain” we do not think that it has to include a re-interpretation of the pain in its initial stages. The key is this: a) realize that you are in pain; b) realize how much pain you are in; c) be willing to stand with that pain no matter what. In other words, you are accepting what is happening to you so that you do not deliberately or unwittingly give that pain to others.

Later in the forgiveness process you will begin to see new meaning for your life as you bear the pain. ??You see that you are growing stronger. You see that you can overcome tremendous pain. ??You see that you can be a conduit of good for others. ??These new meanings take time to emerge. ??A first step is to accept the pain as it is and through the process of forgiveness this pain starts to diminish and then leave.

How does one go about forgiving those who perpetrate evil? I can see forgiving those who are insensitive or who have made a mistake, but what about those who plot mayhem and carry it out? It seems like forgiveness asks too much of us at that point.

You raise an issue that has long been debated regarding forgiveness. Some say that it is improper to forgive those who perpetrate evil. Yet, what do we make of those who have, such as Eva Mozes Kor who forgave the “doctor” who experimented on her twin sister and her at Auschwitz? What do we make of Nelson Mandela who forgave his jailer of 20 years? What about all of the heroes in our News section of this website who forgive those who perpetrate evil?

Our point is this: Some do forgive those who perpetrate evil and we should respect their right to do so. Some are not ready to forgive and we should not condemn them. After all, they likely are in great pain.

For those who wish to forgive others for horrific injustices, we recommend starting now, before the horrific event. Build up your forgiveness muscles with smaller injustices so that you are ready when the big ones come. It is like being asked to run a marathon. It is far more manageable if you have trained for it than if you have to get up off the couch and now run one for the first time.

My mother abandoned me when I was little. I was raised by my grandparents. Now that my mother is old she needs care and money and she is asking me for help. I am still disappointed and confused because of her abandonment of me. I feel that I cold lose my very self by taking care of her now. Do I have an obligation to forgive her because she is my mother and is vulnerable now?

Let us first make a distinction between forgiving and caring for your mother. When you forgive, you do so as an act of mercy from your heart. You can forgive your mother for her abandonment whether or not you take care of her. Regarding the sense of obligation, if you hold to certain religious beliefs, you will see an obligation to forgive her. If you do not hold to certain religious beliefs, you may not see such an obligation.

Are you ready to try to forgive, setting aside the issue of caring for your mother for now? I ask for this reason: Sometimes when we forgive, even when we do not want to care for someone’s physical needs, the desire to help changes once we complete the process of forgiveness. I suggest that you first try to forgive your mother, if you choose to do so, and then see how you feel about caring for her once the forgiveness is accomplished.

I am in a relationship with a man who is verbally abusive to me. No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I ask, he keeps it up. His own father was gruff and so he kind of inherited this. I am at my breaking point with him. What do I do?

First, you have to protect yourself. From your question, we cannot determine the depth of the verbal abuse. Please assess this first. Regarding his behavior toward you, it looks like he has unhealthy anger toward his father. We suggest that you bring up this issue to your partner.  You might even want to show him this post. If he can work on forgiving his father, he is less likely to displace that anger onto you. As he learns to forgive, he will learn more respect and love, which we hope he gives not only to his father but also to you.