Ask Dr. Forgiveness

My sister was abused as a child, but she seems to have denied all memories of this.  I can clearly recall some of this abuse and so it is real.  Even so, she keeps all of this hidden from herself in her subconscious mind.  How can a person release the truth of past trauma?

Your sister might think that there is no true help or cure when unconscious memories are brought to consciousness.  If she sees that there is a safety net for her, which is forgiveness, then she may be able to loosen up on this defense of repression or suppression.  Sometimes people are fearful of their own anger because they think it will overwhelm them with no cure.  Forgiving those who caused the abuse can significantly reduce the anger so that it is more manageable.

How can I confront with forgiveness the systemic injustices carried out by institutions rather than by a singular individual?

Institutions are made up of persons and it is the persons in the institutions who make decisions, even unjust decisions.  So, when you forgive institutions, you are forgiving the people who have made these decisions within the institution.  This can get rather abstract because you likely do not know the people who have made these decisions.  Just because it is more abstract than forgiving a friend, forgiveness is possible.  As an analogy, if a person is robbed by a masked individual, the one who is robbed can forgive the one who robs even though this person is unknown to the victim.  It is similar to institutions.  You can forgive the persons without knowing them.

I am aware that during the Work Phase of forgiveness, I am to view the person who wronged me from what you refer to as a “larger perspective.” I want to know about the wounds they sustained as a child and as an adult. I then get to observe how these injuries have impacted me. I would like to know how I may stop thinking negatively if I always perceive other people as being harmed and as harming me.

In the act of forgiveness, individuals often consider the personal, global, and cosmic viewpoints regarding the individual who has wronged them. When considering the personal viewpoint, it is true that we advise the forgiver to recognize the pain experienced by the person who caused harm.   If all we did was focus on his or her emotional wounds and on our own emotional wounds, you have an important point that we as forgivers may begin to see the world only in terms of people’s woundedness.

However, there’s more to our individual stories of forgiving as we progress further in the process. When we start to see things from a global standpoint, we begin to recognize the humanity of the other person. The person who has caused harm is unique, special, and irreplaceable in the world, just as you are. This is not a negative viewpoint, but a positive one. When we consider the cosmic perspective, we realize that all individuals are somehow interconnected, with the nature of this connection being influenced by our own personal beliefs, philosophy, and view of humanity. These various understandings of persons are detailed in the book “The Forgiving Life.”

When we engage in the process of forgiveness and consider the person who has wronged us from a broader viewpoint, it isn’t all negative. Yes, forgiveness entails acknowledging that people treat us unfairly and recognizing that they may be dealing with their own emotional wounds. At the same time, forgiveness entails recognizing that every individual, including the one who caused harm, possesses intrinsic value, which is a positive perspective.

I have heard the term “becoming a forgiving person.”  How can I become such a person?

To answer this, here is an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life:

Part of being a forgiving person is to know the forgiveness process and to practice it. As you understand that process more and more and become comfortable with it, you will find that this is a good beginning to being a forgiving person. At the same time, practice and feeling comfortable with this practice is not enough to transform yourself into a genuinely forgiving person. You will need to begin to foster a sense of deep connection with forgiveness. As an analogy, people can spend their whole lives working at a job or a profession but not really connect in a deep way with it. “I am someone who goes into nursing homes, does what I am told, and gets a paycheck,” is one way to see oneself. “I am someone who serves the elderly. That is not just what I do. It is a part of who I am.” This thought is much deeper than the first one. Can you begin practicing forgiveness regularly and deeply enough so that it becomes a part of you?

Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 1534-1542). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.

Can forgiveness interventions improve, even if not cure, the effects of anger/hostility on physical health?

There is some evidence of this in the published literature.  This month on this area of our website, I have addressed a similar question with regard to cardiac health.  Please see that post for the reference to the published article.  Another published article showed improvement in fibromyalgia symptoms following the reduction in resentment from unjust treatment by others through a forgiveness intervention.  Here is the reference to that publication:

Lee, Y-R & Enright, R.D. (2014) A forgiveness intervention for women with fibromyalgia who were abused in childhood: A pilot study. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 1, 203-217. doi: 10.1037/scp0000025.