Ask Dr. Forgiveness
You make the point that angry parents can transfer that anger and suffering onto their unsuspecting children. My own mother was physically abused as a child. She was determined not to pass that to her children and so I can truly say that I was not physically abused as a child. Yet, without meaning to do so, my own dear mother passed temper tantrums to us instead. I think it was an extension of the physical abuse in the form of unresolved anger. I now want to make a commitment not to pass these temper tantrums to my own children. Yet, what if I pass another form of stress to my children, such as repression of anger where I and then they keep their anger bottled up inside, which could lead to depression? How do I avoid this?
Half the battle is to be aware, as you are, that you can pass a form of stress to your children. As you currently are aware, this could be overt and behavioral, such as temper tantrums, or more subtle, as in the form of the psychological defense mechanism of repression. Your being aware of these possibilities is important. The other half of the equation is to commit to behaviorally avoiding the tantrums and cognitively being aware of the possibility of passing unhealthy and sustained psychological defenses to your children. Try to introspect in a temperate way so that you see what is still left over for you from your childhood and then work to avoid establishing patterns, based on the leftover stress, toward your own children.
What is the difference between finding meaning after forgiving and developing a new purpose?
Finding meaning is a cognitive exercise in which the forgiver begins to understand how forgiveness operates within human hearts, families, and communities. As people find new meaning upon forgiving, they tend to be more aware of others’ suffering as well as one’s own suffering. Purpose is the decision and action to do something about these new insights. For example, a new purpose for some people upon forgiving is to assist others to forgive as a way of reducing the suffering caused by people who acted unjustly. Meaning is cognitive and purpose is more behavioral.
If a mental health professional wishes to “get up to speed” with forgiveness therapy, what would you recommend? It is my goal to be a therapist in the future and I am interested in incorporating forgiveness therapy into my practice.
The American Psychological Association published Forgiveness Therapy, a book written for mental health professionals. A course based on that book is available here at our International Forgiveness Institute. The American Psychological Association has also produced two videos of actual forgiveness therapy sessions, which should be helpful to those getting started with forgiveness in their therapeutic practices.
I think some things are unforgivable, such as incest or the murder of one’s child. So, those advocating for forgiveness need to back off in such cases.
Let us discuss first the issue of “advocating for forgiveness.” People who are enthusiastic about forgiveness need to be careful not to put pressure on others to forgive. The decision to forgive needs to come from the one who was offended. Regarding the “unforgivable,” we need to clarify what forgiveness is. When we forgive, we are offering mercy to a person. The emphasis is on the offending person and not on the act itself. In other words, people do not forgive the “incest or the murder of one’s child.” A person forgives those who perpetrated the actions. Not everyone would choose to forgive the offender under these circumstances. Yet, there are people who have forgiven such offenders. An example of women forgiving the father or father-figure for incest is documented in a scientific study as follows:
Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.
Regarding the issue of forgiving the murderer of one’s child, Marietta Jaeger is well known for her forgiving the murderer of her child. You can view some of her presentations on YouTube.
Do you think it is necessary for people to seek support prior to forgiving someone for a deep and hurtful offense? Do you think people can go ahead without support under this circumstance?
Because forgiveness has not been front-and-center in discussions within societies, it has been my experience that the vast majority of people actually misunderstand what forgiveness is, equating it, for example, with giving into others’ demands or just letting the injustice go. These are not what forgiveness is at all and so people do need guidance to first understand what forgiveness is and is not. This takes support in either the written or spoken word from people who have thought deeply about forgiveness. If the support person equates forgiveness with any form of reductionism (for example, forgiveness is only getting rid of anger or forgiveness is only a decision to forgive) then this is not adequate support. A fuller view of forgiveness is necessary for the one offering support if the forgiver truly will be helped. The broader view of forgiveness involves reducing negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the offending person and developing more positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward that person. This does not mean excusing the other or even necessarily reconciling if the other remains harmful. Also, forgiveness is a process that can take time. Seek out the support of those who deeply understand forgiveness so that your forgiveness can be accurate and effective.
