Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What do you think is better, to have a motivation to forgive so that the self feels better or to forgive so that the one who was unfair sees the problem and shapes up?
Forgiveness itself is for the other person, as the forgiver offers mercy in the form of kindness, generosity, and love to that person. There are many motivations to forgive and you mentioned two of them. Other motivations can include the possibility of reconciliation with that person, or creating a more peaceful world, or being consistent with one’s religious beliefs, as three other examples. Starting with a motivation of feeling better for the self is not dishonorable because, if the forgiver can reduce resentment, then a next step may be to assist the other person in changing unjust behavior. In other words, both motivations are good.
How is self-forgiveness ok if people just “cut themselves some slack” and say what they did “was just ok”?
Self-forgiveness is not excusing the self for unjust behavior. Instead, it is offering mercy in the form of kindness, generosity, and love to the self when one has broken moral standards. It further includes trying to make amends toward other people who were hurt by those actions.
I understand that part of the definition of forgiving someone is to have compassion on that person. If I feel no compassion for this person, does this mean that I am not actually forgiving?
We have to make an important distinction between what forgiveness is in its fullness (what Aristotle would call the Essence of forgiveness) and how we practically and with imperfection forgive. If you have the motivation to forgive, if you are making a commitment to do no harm to the person, and if you are striving to reduce excessive anger, you are on the forgiveness path. Yes, there is still room for growth in forgiveness, but as Aristotle reminds us, we are all imperfect forgivers. You do not have to complete all aspects of the definition of what deep, genuine forgiveness is to be forgiving. As an analogy, if you try to become physically fit, you do not need to run a marathon your first month in this process to say that this is the only way to be physical fitness. It is similar with forgiveness. We are on a challenging pathway and we do not reach its heights easily or quickly when deeply hurt by others.
Is it possible that certain injustices are so serious that the hurts never really heal in those who forgive?
It is possible that some residual anger or disappointment or sadness may remain in the forgiver, but if this person has taken the time and patience to truly forgive, then that anger, disappointment, or sadness will not dominate the person. As one forgiver once said to me, “I was very angry with the one who hurt me, but now I am in control of the anger rather than the anger controlling me.”
I think that to forgive is dangerous because you are sweeping wrongdoing under the rug. It is a synonym for excusing bad behavior. How would you respond to this?
When we forgive, we try to see the other person as a person of worth, not because of the wrongdoing, but in spite of this. When we forgive, we separate the person and the action. We accept the other as a worthy person, but we do not accept the unjust action. That action was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. So, we do not excuse the behavior, but instead have a change of heart toward the person.
