Ask Dr. Forgiveness
If others keep pressuring a person to forgive, doesn’t that make forgiving a bad thing?
The problem here is not with forgiving but instead with people not being gentle with those who are hurting. Putting pressure on others is not the fault of forgiveness itself.
Does the brain cause people to forgive?
I have addressed this question in a Psychology Today blog here: Does Your Brain Cause You to Forgive?
The short answer is: I do not think so. There can be a confusion of cause and effect. As people willingly practice forgiving, brain structures can alter. In other words, it is not the brain’s existing structure that causes forgiveness but the continual practice of forgiveness that may lead to an alteration of the brain.
Given that you deal with people who are deeply hurting, does this affect you emotionally? In other words, is it hard to deal with all the pain all the time?
The key issues are hope and passion for the work. Hope occurs when I see that hurting people can be healed. This increases my passion for the work, knowing that others need to hear the message of forgiveness and can greatly benefit by walking the forgiveness path.
Are there acts so terrible that you should not, as you say, give a gift to the other?
Some people will not forgive certain people for certain acts. Yet, other people will forgive others for the exact same kind of act. Thus, it seems to me that it is not the act itself that is out of bounds to forgiveness. Instead, the one who was injured is not ready to offer forgiveness. We have to be gentle with people under these circumstances. We are not all ready to forgive others at the same point of the injury. We have to be careful not to condemn those who need more time or who are ambivalent about forgiveness in a particular circumstance.
I am interested in helping my children learn about forgiveness and learn to forgive. Yet, I am worried that this might force them into forgiving and therefore turn them away from it. What advice do you have for me on this important issue?
A key is to try fostering softened hearts in the children toward other people. You can keep their little hearts soft by talking about forgiveness with them. Do not force this upon them. Let them be drawn to it because forgiveness in its highest form is an expression of love. Let them see this love, experience it, and then offer it when they are ready. You can use teachable moments on forgiveness in the home, such as when there are conflicts between the children. You can point out forgiveness themes in stories and films as other teachable moments. Let them see and experience forgiveness so that they, themselves, begin to see the beauty and importance of forgiveness.
