Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Can people forgive in groups or would this inhibit their telling their story of injustice against them when others are watching and perhaps judging?  In other words, would it be better to have one-on-one forgiveness counseling rather than group work?

We have done randomized experimental and control group studies in which one-on-one work was done and others in which group work was done.  Group work can take several sessions before the participants bond with one another and are willing to open up about their pain and the injustices against them. Yet, this kind of openness does occur.  The statistical results tend to show that one-on-one work leads to stronger results on average, but those in group work also substantially benefit.  Here is one reference to a forgiveness group study with men in a maximum-security correctional institution that was very effective in reducing clinical (or near clinical) levels of anger, anxiety, and depression:

Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 28, 1457-1471.https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2583

I have been reading and inspired by one of your self-help forgiveness books.  I used the information in it.  I forgave my brother for certain injustices.  When I went to him and quietly told him that I forgive him, he responded angrily.  He said that he did nothing wrong and that I am being overly sensitive.  I have carefully examined my conscience and have concluded that he truly acted unfairly and that my response is the truth.  What do I do now?

First, congratulations on your courage to forgive.  Second, you may have to forgive your brother for his new response to you, which obviously hurt you.  Third, please keep in mind that he is on a different level of development with regard to receiving or seeking forgiveness than you are in your journey of forgiving.  Give him some time to break his denial about his actions.  Even if he does not come around to seeking and receiving your forgiveness, you have done your best.  You now can interact with him in a less perplexed way.  It is possible that he could change in the future, and even if he does not, you have given him a great gift in your forgiving.

What is the difference between forgiving and legal pardon?

When a judge decides to reduce a deserved sentence for a person within a correctional system, that judge is not the one who was treated unjustly by the one pardoned.  The judge, in other words, needs to be detached from the unjust situation for a fair ruling.  In contrast, a forgiver has been the one (or among the ones) injured and, from that position, offers mercy.  Both are offering mercy, but forgiving is deeply personal and often involves emotional pain within the forgiver, which is not the case for the judge who engages in legal pardon.

I have heard that your colleagues and you have written a manuscript on the philosophical issues of the definition of forgiveness.  Would you please provide me with that reference?

We have a complete issue of the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, which is the first issue, in February for 2025.  The reference to our central article in that issue and our final response to the commentaries are as follows:

Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness: The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses.

Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3-24. Note: This is the centerpiece article for a special issue on the definition of forgiveness within psychology. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000278

Enright, R.D., Kim, J., & Song, J. (2025). Our hope that definitional drift in forgiveness will cease from drifting: Our comments on the six commentaries. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 65-71.doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000306

If I do not reconcile once I have forgiven, does this make the forgiveness process incomplete?

Forgiveness is what you are able to offer, from your own free will, and when you do so, then you have done the best that you can right now.  Reconciliation, in contrast, involves at least two or more people coming together again in mutual—-mutual—-trust.  If the other person remains unrepentant and continues with hurtful, unjust behavior, you can go in peace knowing that you have forgiven, and so you can go in peace.  Your forgiving is complete even if the other refuses to reconcile.