Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”
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In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above. More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly.
Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self and see how it goes.
If forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the one who behaved unjustly, then forgiveness is not one of the moral virtues along with justice, patience, compassion, and love if it is not “for other people.” So what is it? The “for ourselves” statement limits forgiveness to a self-help psychological strategy for emotional healing. It would seem that we are free to ignore, disregard, or show no concern for the people who have wronged us if they are not included in this healing equation. To forgive, then, could be to dismiss.
Such a perspective then takes away the paradox of forgiveness. The paradox is this: As we focus on the other person and strive for empathy, compassion, and a wider view of who this person is beyond the injustice, our own hearts begin to soften toward that other person. As the heart softens, the resentment, which is a nagging and persistent deep anger, begins to lessen. Over time, as we focus this goodness on the other it is we ourselves, as forgivers of the other, who begin to heal. Do you see the very large distinction between focusing on the other with a sense of goodness, which is the essence of forgiveness, and one important consequence of forgiving? The consequence, paradoxically, is that as we strive for goodness expressly toward the other person, it is we as forgivers who heal.
We must not confuse what forgiveness is with a consequence of what forgiveness accomplishes. Forgiveness is what we do in goodness toward the offending person. An important consequence of such a focus on the other is that we experience emotional healing.
