Helpful Forgiveness Hint
Helpful Forgiveness Hint: Struggle and Rest
When you begin to do the work of forgiveness, you should realize that you are practicing a moral virtue. As Aristotle reminded us 2,350 years ago, to grow in any moral virtue takes effort and is a struggle. So, please be prepared for some hard work as you proceed.
At the same time, it is important that you not drive at this without rest. Suppose you are starting an exercise program. You would not want to put such effort into this that you are spending 8 hours a day, neglecting other aspects of your life.
What you need is balance (or the virtue of temperance). Yes, work at forgiving and give it your attention, time, and energy. And yes, rest and refresh. This latter point is too little emphasized in high-achievement cultures.
Try to enjoy the journey and please do so in such a way that the forgiveness journey itself does not exhaust you, but instead eventually refreshes you.
Robert
Helpful Forgiveness Hint
When starting to be a forgiver (someone who forgives consistently), try to begin with hurts that are not so large. It is not unlike starting an exercise program. If you try to run 5 miles the first day or to bench press too much weight too soon, you get quite sore, quite discouraged, and may stop exercising. If you start slowly, you build up strength so that you can handle the longer run or the challenging bench press. Start forgiving someone who has not gravely hurt you and work up to those who have.
Robert
Mercy on the Hurting
Suppose that each of us had a little red light on the top of our heads. Further suppose that whenever we are feeling beaten down by the injustice of another, that little red light started to blink.
What do you think? Do you think there then would be mercy in the world as we, each of us, responded to the one whose light-of-pain was going off?
We all kind of hide behind a veneer of civility—well dressed, well mannered….and sometimes dying even a little bit inside.
No one sees the “dying even a little bit inside” because it is hidden. Others really do not want to see it……It is an inconvenience to see it.
Yet, it is there…..for all of us at one time or another.
That little blinking red light would be a sign to us that we are all hurting. It would be a concrete sign that mercy is necessary….even more so than civility.
That little red light would be our teacher….and perhaps soften our hearts…..and help us to learn that offering mercy should be our first response, not our last one after we all dress up in our finery, with our impeccable manners…..that keep the hurting invisible to us.
Try to see that little blinking red light on the top of each person’s head today even if it is not there. Try to see it anyway.
Robert
Helpful Forgiveness Hint
Today’s homework assignment: Do no harm. This idea has long been a part of medical ethics, taught in med schools. It applies directly to the forgiveness process. It is a beginning. By “Do no harm,” I am not suggesting that you not talk with others about this person, but I am asking if you do so that you talk in a way that does not condemn him or her…..ever again. That is the hard part of today’s homework, to commit to stopping all forms of revenge or passive aggression or any form of negativism against the one who treated you unfairly.
Robert
Another Forgiveness Hint
Some people are perplexed that they can still feel some anger after they have worked so hard to forgive. Anger is not necessarily something that can go away by willing it away. It can take time to fade. So, ask yourself this question: Is the anger controlling me or am I in control of my anger? If you are the one in control, realize that you are well along the path of forgiveness.
Robert
