Our Forgiveness Blog
Forgiveness Is Good Business
I just came back from giving a three hour workshop for people who run family-owned businesses. The purpose of the workshop was to show:
1) that anger in the workplace is pervasive and can affect morale and productivity, which research shows;
2) that forgiveness is one solution to this problem because forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger which can directly affect morale and productivity;
3) that as people learn to forgive, then they may become better workers as well as better people;
4) that once people forgive the individual hurts that each encounters, then they might consider creating a forgiving community in the workplace.
The Forgiving Community in the workplace could be developed by putting ideas about forgiveness in any printed matter that describes fairness and honesty in the workplace, by leadership talking positively about forgiveness, and by supervisors mediating conflicts between employees with forgiveness themes as well as with the usual conflict resolution themes. Brining experts into the company from the outside by offering workshops on forgiveness could be considered as a way to give this message to all in the company: We care about the work climate and we care about your emotional health.
The feedback that I received from some of the 100 people in attendance was this: The discussion of forgiveness in the workplace is unique. Most had never heard a talk on it before and they thought it was relevant and important for their businesses. This seems like a new frontier worth pursuing in an organized, scholarly, and careful way.
R.E.
Dancing in Your Dreams
What do you dream of?
I’ve seen people do some funny things in their sleep. Recently on an overnight trip, I was awarded the amusement of seeing my friend and roommate for the night, Molly, a professional ballerina, dreaming of what she loves doing most…dancing. This was apparent by the graceful rising and falling of her leg suspended behind her in mid-air. What a lovely dream she must be having, I thought.
Are your dreams full of dancing and merriment like my friend’s?
Or, are there signs of distress and despair such as the case in Michael’s story recounted in the book, “Forgiveness is a Choice” by Robert Enright (p. 180)?
“Michael describes his sense of well-being in terms of his dreams. Following his father’s physical abuse, he had been tormented with two decades of nightmares in which he hurt others.” After forgiving his father, Michael writes, “I began very quickly to lose episodic nightmares and began to dream more happily in color.”
Could a lack of forgiveness be contributing to a lack of happiness in the dreams, thoughts, and attitudes of your unconsciousness?
Our unconscious thoughts deeply affect our outlooks, perceptions, and attitudes of every day life – our levels of stress, emotional peace, our interactions with others, and our physical health. Our dreams can be one sign pointing to an underlying discontent due to past hurts or injustices that we have chained ourselves to. An unhealthy lifestyle can be another sign as it was for Felicia. Here is the testimony she gives after forgiving her mother:
“Yes! Release and liberation, emotional and physical. An internal peace, relaxation, openness, acceptance of myself and others. A new sense of purpose and exploration. No more excessive alcohol use. Better eating and exercise patterns — lost about 20 pounds. I’m enjoying life and its challenges more. Also, seeing the beauty around me instead of ‘burying’ myself with my eyes closed!”
What are the signs of discontent in your life?
How are the chains of resentment and pain from past hurts keeping you from dancing, enjoying life, and reaching your full potential?
But more importantly, are you willing to set yourself free from those chains?
I hope so…and I hope you believe you are worth it; You deserve enough happiness and peace to be dancing in your dreams!
Amber Flesch
It Is Forgiven
What would you do if you grew up with a strained relationship with parents that extended into your adult life? What would you do if, on top of that, you experienced as an adolescent the laughter of rejection from peers (which we would call bullying today)? Then, what if life added an extremely controlling and (physically, emotionally, sexually, verbally, and financially) abusive relationship with one’s common-law partner that went on for years? What if he took your two young sons and threatened to never give them back until you signed a lawyer’s contract stating that you must obey all he says or else he keeps the children and all the material goods? What if you were beaten so badly that when you called 9-1-1, you were not sure whether you were speaking English or Hungarian? What if you then waited two hours for the police to arrive and they wanted you to hang around until the one who beat you came home so that all of you could sit around and chat?
Would you have the clarity of mind, the energy, and the emotional strength to recount all of this in a book?
Meet the author whose pen name is “EMP.” The book, entitled, It Is Forgiven, is published by iUniverse. In crafting her own story so that others can find a path to freedom, she recounts the details of horrors so strong that most of us could never put them down on paper, in essence re-experiencing the abuse as the words are written and the images play in the mind all over again. The reader gets a look into EMP’s soft heart as she recounts the laughter from peers during her adolescence, a time when we were all so vulnerable and sensitive to rejection:
I learned to speak to myself positively and encouragingly: Every person is a human being, just like me. They aren’t any different, neither less nor more than me. They are people, and I am one of them. (page 17).
EMP grew up in Hungary and eventually made her way to Canada with her two sons, where she wrote the book, published in 2012. What I find most fascinating about the book is the fact that EMP never talks directly about her forgiveness journey with her common-law partner. The forgiveness is seen subtly in her prose directed toward Joseph, the common-law partner. As you read, pay attention to the tone. Never once does the author strike out in anger in any way toward him. She is shocked, deeply hurt, disgusted by his actions, but on every page he remains a person, someone who could be redeemed, someone who could change. Some skeptics would say that the author was seeing him through rose-colored glasses, but you will have to read the book to know this is not so. EMP sees a very flawed human being, someone from whom she had to work hard to attain freedom, and she did. This is not a book written by a naive, denying, give-me-more-abuse person. No, instead, this is a book written by someone who stood in hope for years, was beaten, and found hope elsewhere. And in finding that hope elsewhere, she never threw him away as a human being. That is forgiveness. It is forgiven.
R.E.
A Little Homework Exercise for You
All right, class, you have a homework assignment today. For a minimum of 10 times today, as you meet others (in the family, at work, or in casual encounters) or pass them by on the street, you are urged to do this:
1) First, see each person without just passing by or glancing casually at him or her.
2) See that there is so much more to this person than a casual encounter will allow you to see. Realize that there is a depth to this person, and this depth is currently not entirely known to you.
3) Next, consider this thought, “The person I am encountering right now, or seeing right now, probably is carrying emotional wounds inside of him or her.”
4) Go farther down that road: “Here is this person with emotional wounds and so he or she is probably carrying a lot of emotional weight right now. Even though burdened in certain ways, this person is bearing up under this weight and functioning well (or at least reasonably well) under this circumstance.”
5) And still farther down that road: “It takes courage to live each day with a wounded heart……and this person is doing just that.”
6) Try then to think this: “There is a certain dignity to each person. Each has emotional wounds and carries these anonymously, quietly, and courageously.”
7) Finally, try to think this: “What can I do to ease this person’s wounds today? Perhaps a little smile, or a comment, or somehow acknowledging this person will help ease his or her pain in some small way.”
Seeing each person as part of the walking-wounded of this world is good preparation for forgiving. You are training your mind in the truth that all carry wounds. When you then apply that principle to those who have hurt you, you are beginning to practice forgiveness. This little homework assignment is intended to strengthen you in preparation for being a forgiver. And even if you have no one to forgive, this little exercise is likely to put an unexpected joy in your heart as an end in and of itself.
R.E.
Through the Eyes of a Child
As astounding as Kyle’s triumph is, there is also another story to be told here, one of recognizing who a person really is. One of the many things that struck me about this story was the younger sister’s comment, she didn’t see him as “different” she just saw him as a “normal big brother,” her brother. Her vision was pure and un-skewed by the bitterness of criticism and judgmental views that often come with age. The love of her big brother Kyle, out-shined the “abnormalities” seen by others. She did not see the physical differences that clouded the perspectives of so many who let those differences get in the way of seeing a courageously strong soul, full of life and love. It’s too bad for them…what a loss on their part. In their blindness they missed out on an empowering opportunity to meet, get to know, and learn from someone who has so much to give and so much to teach. Have you ever noticed how easily a child seems to forgive? I think this is in no small way due to the fact they have an innate ability to see through the obstacles that can obstruct our view, into the heart of who a person is, to see the goodness within, and to recognize the “human-ness” of a person. What if we could all see each person, despite their differences and even despite their faults and shortcomings, simply as a human being worthy of love? What if we could see each person through the eyes of a child, with purity and true clarity?
R.E.
