Our Forgiveness Blog
Worth-less or Worth-more?
“As we continually live with love withdrawn from us and a resulting resentment (with the short-term consequences of thinking with a negative pattern, thinking specific condemning thoughts, and acting poorly), we can settle into a kind of long-term distortion of who the love-withdrawing person is, who we ourselves are, and who people are in general. The basic issue here is that once love is withdrawn from us, we can begin to withdraw a sense of worth toward the one who hurt us. The conclusion is that he or she is worth-less. Over time, we can drift into the dangerous conclusion, ‘I, too, am worthless.’ After all, others have withdrawn love from me and have concluded that I lack worth, therefore I do lack worth. Even later, we can drift into the unhealthy conclusion that there is no love in the world and so no one really has any worth, thus everyone is worth-less.” Excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 1.
Robert
A Specific Forgiveness Exercise for Couples
Those of you who have the absolute perfect spouse, please raise you hand……anyone?
Now, those of you who are the absolute perfect spouse, please raise your hand…..I see no hands up.
OK, so we have established that we are not perfect and neither is our partner. Yet, we can always improve. Note carefully that I am not suggesting that you read this to improve your partner. I write it to improve you, the reader.
Here is a little exercise that I recommend for any couple. Together, talk out the hurts that you received in your family of origin, where you grew up. Let the other know of your emotional wounds. This exercise is not meant to cast blame on anyone in your family of origin. Instead, the exercise is meant for each of you to deepen your insight into who your partner is. Knowing his wounds is one more dimension of knowing him as a person. As you each identify the wounds from your past, try to see what you, personally are bringing into the relationship from that past. Try to see what your partner is bringing in.
Now, together, work on forgiving those from your family of origin who have wounded you. Support one another in the striving to grow in the virtue of forgiveness. The goal is to wipe the resentment-slate clean so that you are not bringing those particular wounds to the breakfast table (and lunch table and dinner table) every day. Then, when you are finished forgiving those family members from the past, work on forgiving your partner for those wounds brought into your relationship, and at the same time, seek forgiveness from him or her for the woundedness you bring to your relationship. Then, see if the relationship improves. All of this is covered in greater depth in my new book, The Forgiving Life.
Robert
In Memorium: Nelson Mandela (1918-2013)
We are aware that Nelson Mandela was a controversial figure in this life. He admitted to 156 acts of violence as a young man. Apparently, his view was to counteract oppression and violence with violence.
Yet, people change, sometimes toward bitterness and despair, other times toward a greater vision that we are all in this together. Mr. Mandela seems to have transformed in prison to seeing the humanity in all with the one exception of the unborn. Yes, he had a flaw there in not seeing deeply enough into the humanity of the most vulnerable.
It is for his stand against the evils of apartheid, a stand that ultimately became non-violent, that we say thank you. Thank you, Mr. Mandela, for your unwavering vision and amazing courage. You guided a nation in transition away from violence. It could have been very different.
One case in point: he invited his jailer to an honored place for the Presidential Inaugural Address.
He showed by his actions that forgiveness is the way back for South Africa.
As another case in point: How many reprisals against apartheid happened after he was elected? People listened.
“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Nelson Mandela.
He did not always see clearly, but he matured to see that political violence is no solution at all.
Rest in peace.
Helpful Forgiveness Hint
When starting to be a forgiver (someone who forgives consistently), try to begin with hurts that are not so large. It is not unlike starting an exercise program. If you try to run 5 miles the first day or to bench press too much weight too soon, you get quite sore, quite discouraged, and may stop exercising. If you start slowly, you build up strength so that you can handle the longer run or the challenging bench press. Start forgiving someone who has not gravely hurt you and work up to those who have.
Robert
Mercy on the Hurting
Suppose that each of us had a little red light on the top of our heads. Further suppose that whenever we are feeling beaten down by the injustice of another, that little red light started to blink.
What do you think? Do you think there then would be mercy in the world as we, each of us, responded to the one whose light-of-pain was going off?
We all kind of hide behind a veneer of civility—well dressed, well mannered….and sometimes dying even a little bit inside.
No one sees the “dying even a little bit inside” because it is hidden. Others really do not want to see it……It is an inconvenience to see it.
Yet, it is there…..for all of us at one time or another.
That little blinking red light would be a sign to us that we are all hurting. It would be a concrete sign that mercy is necessary….even more so than civility.
That little red light would be our teacher….and perhaps soften our hearts…..and help us to learn that offering mercy should be our first response, not our last one after we all dress up in our finery, with our impeccable manners…..that keep the hurting invisible to us.
Try to see that little blinking red light on the top of each person’s head today even if it is not there. Try to see it anyway.
Robert
