Our Forgiveness Blog

The Forgiveness Trap: Becoming Stuck in the Hope of Reconciliation

When we properly understand what it means to forgive someone, much of the criticism leveled against forgiveness vanishes. For example, if someone thinks that forgiveness is to find an excuse for an offender’s unfair behavior, we have to correct that misconception. We have to realize that when we forgive we never distort reality by falsely claiming that the injustice was not an injustice. As another example, if someone thinks that, upon forgiving, the forgiver has an obligation to reconcile, we need to understand that the moral virtue of forgiveness is distinct from reconciling (in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust).

Yet, what of this situation: Suppose that Alice forgives Allen, her boss, for several inappropriate advances at work. He is not remorseful, does not intend to change, and dismisses her concerns. Suppose further that in forgiving, Alice sees the inherent worth of Allen, concluding that he is a person worthy of respect, not because of what he did, but in spite of this. Seeing Allen’s inherent worth motivates Alice to stay in this particular job and wait in the hope that Allen will change. After all, if he has inherent worth, then he may be capable of altering his unwanted behavior.

She is clear that forgiving and reconciling are not the same thing. At the same time, she is now staying where she is, waiting in the hope of his changing, waiting in the hope of a healthy reconciliation.

Of course, none of us can look into the future with certainty. No one knows for sure that Allen will not change. Perhaps he will have insight into his inappropriate behavior, have remorse, repent, and ask for a genuine reconciliation with Alice.

How long should she wait? How do we know, given that we cannot predict Allen’s future behavior? A key, I think, is Allen’s current insights into his actions. Does he see them as highly inappropriate or as an “I cannot help myself” story? Does he see the behavior or continually rationalize it?

Does Allen show any remorse at all? Has he made even the slightest overture to repent? Does he have any insight whatsoever into his inappropriateness? If the answers are “no,” “no,” and “no,” then Alice’s waiting in the hope of reconciliation may not be wise if she has given this sufficient time.

When we forgive, we have to realize that sometimes our offenders choose to be willfully ignorant of their injustices and to the damage it is doing. When we forgive, we have to realize that some of our offenders choose not to change at all. Under these circumstances, we should not let our forgiveness set up a false hope. If we do, we are distorting the power of forgiveness and need to re-think our position. Forgiveness is not so powerful that it can always get the other to develop remorse, to repent, and to reconcile well.

Robert

The Wounded Do the Wounding

Think about one person who has hurt you. Is it possible that the person hurt you out of his or her own woundedness? In other words, is there something in his or her past that he or she is carrying, something so painful that the wounds were thrown onto you?

I do not ask this for you to find an excuse or to “let it go.” What happened to you was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. There are no excuses here, but there may be wounds he or she suffered.

I ask so that you can understand him or her a little more deeply.

Might the one who wounded the one who wounded you have been wounded by still another person? If we trace it back far enough, we could have a long line of people who have wounded the next one in line, who wounded the next one, all the way up to you, who was wounded and did not deserve it.

Please try to picture the truth inside this person. If he or she has been unjustly wounded by another, I ask you to see it.

Robert

Seeing Beyond the Tears

Sometimes when we are caught up in grief and anger, it seems like this is all there will ever be now in our life. Permanent tears. Permanent anger.

Yet, please take a look at two different times in your life in which you were steeped in heartache or rage. The tears came…..and they left.

Today it may seem like these will never end…..but they will.

Take a lesson from your own past. The pains were temporary.

They are temporary even now.

Forgiveness helps them to be temporary.

Robert

Power and Forgiveness: A Clash of World Views

How did the quest for power and money become the primary goals of Western societies? What thief in the night changed people’s hearts so that profit is to-die-for? Perhaps I exaggerate, but I doubt it. Do we admire those who work in soup kitchens or those who own the buildings across the city from the soup kitchen?

Do we admire the ones who care for the dying or those who can put a round ball into a round hoop and make a lot of money for doing that?

If we had the chance to be the boss or the servant, which would we choose? And do we ever think more broadly these days: that the boss ought to be the greatest servant?

I am open to correction, but I do not think I exaggerate. Money, influence, power vs. service, love, and humility.

Forgiveness includes a world view that clashes with contemporary culture. The German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, anticipated this shift when he said that the weak forgive, the strong dominate.

Yet, forgiveness speaks truth to power. Forgiveness tells power that it will not last. Forgiveness will abide and be in this world long after the powerful meet their biological end.

Forgiveness as a counter-move to power can actually enhance well-being while power yearns for more, well, power.

Power’s ultimate goal is bankrupt. What will one do once one’s goal of power and money are fulfilled? What is the ultimate point of it all? Forgiveness’ ultimate goal is love, to put more love into the world and into hearts, including one’s own.

A clash of world views. Which would you like to see win?

Robert

Being a Conduit of Good

Here is a challenge to anyone reading this: Do you have the courage to live your life in such a way that you deliberately pattern your actions each day to be a conduit of good for others? If you are steeped in bitterness and resentment, it is difficult to live for others because of the pain within. Try to forgive those who seem to be holding you back. They are not really holding you back because at any given moment, it is your choice whether or not to become a forgiving person. As you commit to becoming a forgiving person, your life takes on such amazing meaning. Only those who have tried what I am describing here will understand the importance of this post.

Robert