Our Forgiveness Blog

On Resentment

“When people withdraw love from us, we might development resentment. After all, we do not deserve unfair treatment and we do require love, not from all but at least from some. Resentment occurs when anger not only comes to visit, but sits down in our hearts, takes off its stinky shoes, and makes itself too much at-home in our hearts. After awhile, we do not know how to ask it to leave. While some anger might be good, persistent and intensive anger that is resentment is not healthy. It can distort in the short-run how we think (as we dwell on the negative), what we think (as we have specific condemning thoughts), and how we act (reducing our will to act in a morally good way).”

Excerpt (Chapter 1) from the book, The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love, by Dr. Robert Enright, Ph.D.

Robert

Do You Want to Become a Forgiving Person?

“I hope you are beginning to see that forgiveness is not only something you do, nor is it just a feeling or a thought inside you. It pervades your very being. Forgiveness, in other words, might become a part of your identity, a part of who you are as a person. Try this thought on for size to see if it fits: I am a forgiving person. Did that hurt or feel strange? Try it again. Of course, to say something like this and then to live your life this way will take plenty of practice. Part of that practice is to get to know the entire process of forgiveness.”

Excerpt (page 79) from the book, The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love, by Dr. Robert Enright, Ph.D.

Robert

Forgiveness Does Not Require Abandoning…..Resentment……..Is This True?

What is resentment? It is the harboring of persistent ill will.

What is forgiveness? It is mercy on those who have been unfair to us.

There is a contradiction if we have persistent ill will and say that we have forgiven.

There is no contradiction if we are in the process of forgiveness and have resentment, as long as we realize that one of our goals is the abandonment of that resentment.

There is no contradiction if we have some residual anger after we have forgiven, as long as that anger is not harsh toward the offender or toxic within ourselves.

Residual anger is not the same as resentment.

We have to be careful not to equate residual (non-toxic) anger and resentment. Otherwise, we pat ourselves on the back in the name of forgiveness when we are still poisoning ourselves and perhaps others.

We have to be careful not to equate forgiveness and a total absence of any anger whatsoever. Otherwise, we might condemn ourselves and feel guilt because we think we have not forgiven when we have.

A little anger left over is part of the imperfect human condition. Yes, we can continue to forgive, but we need not expect perfection today.

Robert

Another Forgiveness Hint

Some people are perplexed that they can still feel some anger after they have worked so hard to forgive. Anger is not necessarily something that can go away by willing it away. It can take time to fade. So, ask yourself this question: Is the anger controlling me or am I in control of my anger? If you are the one in control, realize that you are well along the path of forgiveness.

Robert

Does Unconditional Forgiveness Build Bitterness?

While perusing the Internet today one headline caught my eye. It stated that “unconditional forgiveness builds bitterness.” As Socrates might have said, “May we explore this?”

First, let us define unconditional forgiveness, which is the offer of mercy to someone who has been unjust to you. You do not wait for an apology or anything else from that person or from anyone else as you offer unconditional forgiveness.

The blogger stated the following as arguments against unconditional forgiveness:

1. We are “hard-wired” for justice. Unconditional forgiveness does not allow justice to come forth.

Argument against this: The hidden assumptions behind this statement is that forgiveness and justice cancel each other. Either we forgive or we seek justice. Is this true? Why cannot we exercise both moral virtues at the same time: forgive and seek justice. Cannot we offer mercy to another who has smashed our car and then present him with the body shop bill?

2. To ask someone to forgive completely without an apology teaches the “forgiver” that justice is cheap.

Argument against this: One can seek justice without the other’s apology. As stated above, one can forgive without an apology. Apologies affect neither justice nor forgiveness. Both can occur without the offending person saying anything.

3. As the unconditional forgiver offers mercy without either an apology or the restoration of justice, she may become bitter.

Argument: Because one can offer unconditional love and seek justice at the same time, bitterness need not occur, and if it does, we have to ask whether unconditional forgiveness is the culprit or whether the attempt at a justice that fails to materialize is the culprit.

4. Because unconditional forgiveness might lead to one never talking to the offender, this kind of forgiveness is a private affair only, isolating forgiver and forgiven.

Argument: Even though unconditional forgiveness **might** lead to no talking, it is not **inevitable** that the two stop talking. Unconditional forgiveness does not place the condition of no-talking between the parties. One surely can unconditionally forgive and then approach the other with a sense of agape love, perhaps enhancing the dialogue, which could take place in bitterness if the other apologizes and yet still has made no recompense for the smashed car.

Conclusion: The arguments against unconditional forgiveness here do not stand up to exploration. Unconditional forgiveness remains viable and important.

Robert