Tagged: “Anger”
Does an act of forgiving lead almost automatically to feelings of positivity or does it only open the door to the potential for feeling more positively? Can one still feel positively without forgiving?
Although some people can begin to feel quite good upon starting to forgive another, these positive feelings can take time because the process of forgiving itself can take time. So, it is typical that a decision to forgive can and does open the door to feeling well, but we then need patience to keep on the path of forgiveness. As we do that, anger begins to diminish and feelings of well-being begin to emerge. Even if the anger does not go away entirely, many people then say that their anger no longer controls them.
Can people feel well if they do not forgive? This depends on the severity of the offense. If the offense is profound and shocking, then a person may not feel well in a general and on-going sense without forgiveness. I do not say that to put pressure on anyone to forgive. I say it, instead, because this is what I observe in those with extremely challenging injustices against them.
What We Recommend on Forgiveness Education for Bullying
Being bullied can be torturous. We need to be more aware of this silent torture that students undergo in being bullied. It is possible that if those who are bullied could forgive, then their well-being may be protected.
The International Forgiveness Institute, Inc. recommends two kinds of forgiveness interventions in schools:
1) For those who have been bullied in schools so that their anger will not turn to rage, depression, or even self-hatred. We were talking with a student from Korea and she related to us that there are many suicides in Korea by those who have been bullied in school.
2) For those who bully in school. These students usually have been treated cruelly by others (outside of school or in school) and this is one reason why they bully. If they can forgive those who have been deeply unjust to them, then their motivation to bully will reduce or be eliminated.
Robert
Reflections on Three Young Men and Their Recent Suicides
I am sitting here in a workshop far from my home in the United States. All of the participants are in small groups discussing themes of forgiveness for the self, for home, and for school. The place will remain anonymous to keep the information here private.
I just recently had a meeting in a school and the principal was unsettled about three recent suicides by young men just out of high school. They attended school in that very area of the city where this principal works.
“The community is rocking from this,” the principal said. “It is taking us time to adjust and the helping professionals are being kept quite busy with those who are mourning the loss.”
It is important that we not stand in judgement of the three men who took their lives. And so the point of this essay is not to judge the act of suicide or to judge the young men. Instead, the point is to ask a central question: What was in each of their hearts as they decided that this life is not worth living? What misfortunes or even injustices came to visit them so that their hearts were broken? Could the pain in their hearts have been healed?
I write with a sense of urgency because, where I currently am in the world, the suicide rate is high for young men such as these. Too many of the young men in this community are thinking and feeling that this life is not worth it. There is too much pain, too much alienation.
My urgency centers on this: There is a cure for hopelessness borne out of alienation and unjust treatment and that cure is forgiveness. Forgiveness can cure a shattered heart. Forgiveness can cure a sense of hopelessness and a sense that life holds no meaning or purpose.
Forgiveness can reduce resentment and give a person the meaning that life can be about loving….even when others are not loving you. Forgiveness can give a person purpose as he or she strives to put more love into the world today than there was yesterday. A person who is alienated and broken, if introduced to forgiveness, can begin to reduce pain and to love more……and to see that life, indeed, is worth living.
I am perplexed by this question: What if each of these three hurting young men had sound forgiveness education in their elementary and high school education?
Would they not only be alive today but also be alive with hope and love and purpose?
We need forgiveness education…………..now.
Robert
Darlene J. Harris
Editor’s Note: Darlene J. Harris is a sought-after speaker, author of “And He Restoreth My Soul,” and the developer/leader of workshops and retreats for women. She writes primarily on the topics of sexual abuse and molestation because by the age of 18 she had been raped twice. “I don’t want anyone to hurt like I did,” is the mantra that drives her. This is her story in her own words.
Too Young to Have This Secret. . .
and Too Old to Still Keep the Secret.
The Question – Would Forgiveness Help?
You see, rape was my secret, the secret that almost became my death.
I wasn’t able to stop playing the charade game with my friends and family for a year or two, waiting to graduate high school and move out on my way to college.
I am a believer in Jesus Christ, the lover of my soul, the lifter of my head, and the light of my life. Nevertheless, I did not trust Him with the whole problem. I remember making this statement the morning after the rape: “Lord if You keep me from getting pregnant, I will take care of the rest.”
I had made my first bargain with God! I didn’t know the magnitude of these words: “I will take care of the rest”, nor the effect it would have on my life. “I will take care of the rest” meant I will control all future situations. I will keep families from falling apart; I will keep members of my family and the abuser’s family from killing one another. I could do this. And I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me ever again, ever. Nevertheless, I didn’t have the type of control I thought I had. My future held a second rape, near rapes, and a lot of pain. I now know if I had known more about God, His power, His understanding, and most of all His love for me that my life would have been different.
Darlene J. Harris
Nevertheless, by the time I was 40 years old, I realized I was not handling life very well. I had moved to California, running away as far as I could before I had to turn around and look at me. I looked at the tired me, and the hurting me, realizing that I could no longer escape. Yet, God met me with favor, mercy and love. He walked back through history with me and cleared a path for me to have a future. Most of all, He took me through a journey of the “F word.”
The Affirmations From Rape that Affected My Life
- My rapist was an African-American boy with a very dark skin tone. For years later, the sight of dark-skinned men represented fear, hurt, and pain to me. If they tried to get to know me, I distanced myself from them, whether a friendly or personal approach. For the next twenty years, I limited myself to associating with men whose skin tone was lighter than mine.
- My rapist continued to ask me, “Is it good?” I now know this question set me up to believe I had to be good to keep from being hurt. This question became my question in my future intimate relationships. I had to be good to avoid being hurt. But deep down I knew I could never be good enough to take back those nights.
- My boundaries were destroyed and my trust was violated. Out of my fear of being hurt, and not feeling wanted, I clung to fear, anger, and shame. These emotions became my constant companions. The decision I made that one Sunday night, determined the next twenty years of my life. They moved in and made themselves at home in my damaged spirit for over twenty years.
- In my twenties, I also suffered physically. Various medical problems that caused me to undergo several surgeries that included a hysterectomy at the age of twenty-eight. I continue to suffer from irritable bowel and/or digestive problems. Medically speaking, these symptoms are often reported by women who may have a history of sexual abuse or assault.
“Vengeance is mine,” saith the Lord
But He, The Lord, didn’t act fast enough for me, at least in my eyes. He didn’t take His fury out fast enough or long enough to justify my pain.
After ten years, I saw my rapist once again. He had come back home for his father’s birthday. I stopped to visit with the family, and at that point I didn’t know what to call him. The charade was still alive while in the midst of the family. Nevertheless, he and his brother decided we would all go to the neighborhood bar and have a drink. We were standing in the kitchen, and his mother was cooking, warning us to be home in time for dinner. At that moment, I felt this “hot” hand on my behind, and it was as if another person suddenly rose up in me, a very (concealed) angry person.
We went to the bar, found a seat, and we begin to talk while his brother went off to talk to some other people he knew. At that moment, remaining surprisingly calm, I asked him, “Why did you rape me?” He answered, “Because another group of boys told me they had already had sex with you.” Needless to say, I was surprised he just blurted out his answer. He didn’t even have to think about an answer. I couldn’t believe he didn’t deny raping me and justified it by blaming others. He had given this act of violation a “name”….RAPE, and had given it some thought during the past ten years and was able to answer as calmly as he did, without any remorse.
That angry person, that rose up inside me, set out to go on a mission—a mission to cause as much pain as possible because of the pain I had hidden deep in my spirit for so long. Oh, and so this was my plan: I now had my own apartment, and later that evening I invited him to see where I lived. I excused myself and dressed for the occasion, and now it was time to pay him back. I cannot tell you, how I thought my plan of seducing him would be a payback. Nevertheless, that was how twisted my thought process was at the time.
I was out to seek vengeance. My heart was hurting and needed healing. The mind, the thoughts that took over became very dangerous. To my amazement, I didn’t feel any better—not the satisfaction I was seeking after seducing him. If anything, I felt a deeper shame and disgust toward myself. No wonder God says, “Vengeance is mine….” God was the only real warrior in this battle.
Forgiveness?
I didn’t understand forgiveness. I didn’t want to let the rapist off the hook. First, from being a product of Christian teachings, forgiveness became the “F word”*. My therapist urged me to at least consider the “F word”. I researched it in an educational, mentally logical manner, and that didn’t help me.
If I’m truthful, I didn’t want to understand Forgiveness. However, during the time I was in therapy, I was also attending a church that understood and taught about the freedom that Forgiveness brings to one’s life; and I love my freedom. I listened, prayed, studied, and talked to my therapist. My relationship with God became important to me, and most of all, I wanted God to know I was sorry for all the years and hurt I caused others and myself. I want nothing that would cause separation between myself and the GREAT I AM.
For once now I understood that Forgiveness was not about payback for hurting me, but that it was about freedom for me. I asked God to forgive me and then invited Him into the healing process.
When I look back, I was in darkness for a long time. I needed Forgiveness for the pain I caused myself by holding hate and anger in my heart. I also needed Forgiveness for the pain I caused others. I had to come before God because of the serious condition of my heart.
Revenge
Definition: The action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands
I cannot write about Forgiveness without including my thoughts about Revenge. I wanted to hurt my rapist. In my heart, he deserved to hurt as he’d hurt me. However, no matter what plan for revenge I thought about, it was never good enough. Revenge backfired in my face, and if it is a plan you are considering, it would be prudent to learn from my experience.
God The Great Avenger
Romans 12:19 New International Version: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
Vengeance delays God’s intervention. Vengeance delays Forgiveness, and it delays healing because it is a problem, deep in the heart.
Reminder:
Forgiveness can be immediate, yet it is your choice, but healing is a process.
Where was God?
Where was God? is always a question from survivors. “Why me? Why didn’t God stop him or her from hurting me?” For many survivors, it becomes a nagging, yet very important question. It connects to your belief in God, and this is critical because it questions the foundation of your belief system.
What I know is God is ever present, and that God was present at the time and place of my rape. He was my witness. God cried for me. God was angry. God felt everything I couldn’t feel and everything I did feel. God saved my life during and after the rape before I was forced to look at me and say,“Lord, I can’t do this by myself.”
Free will is a gift from God to you and me
Definition: Free will is the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one’s own discretion.
Free will is what God gave to man at the beginning of time. God didn’t want to force a man to love Him. God wanted to give a man the opportunity to choose Him, to love Him, to worship Him.
In my story, God didn’t take away the rapist’s decision to rape. God could have stopped him. He knew the thought was there. He knew the plan and set on the sideline watching once again, as it were, for the purpose of testing my faith. Yet, God is true to His word, and will accomplish His plan, only to bring glory to Himself.
Romans 8:28 New International Version: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called, according to his purpose.”
I know in my heart this verse is tried and true. God worked anger, hatred, and vengeance out of me. When I tell my story now, my rapist has the beautiful smile he always had. The picture changed, and so did my heart. Forgiveness gave this to me, and my healing follows.
Where Am I Today and What drives me?
What drives me was quoted in the December 1995 Edition of the L.A. Valley Times and still holds true today: “I don’t want anyone to hurt like I did.”
Through my adversities, God has provided me a ministry. A ministry that includes a book project entitled, And He Restoreth My Soul. This book serves as a resource guide for those helping abused survivors who are struggling to put the pieces of their lives back together in the wake of abuse.
Above all, I have a life and a certain peace I would not have if I had not forgiven my rapist.
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*The “F” Word was taken from an article by Dr. Suzanne Freedman entitled: The “F Word” for Sexual Abuse Survivors: Is Forgiveness Possible?
Visit Darlene Harris’ website.
I suffer from chronic anxiety. Will this alter how I go through the forgiveness process relative to those who are not suffering in this way?
Sometimes our anxiety comes from not feeling safe. Sometimes our not feeling safe emerges when others treat us unfairly. In other words, you may be expecting poor treatment from others now, even those who usually are fair.
A first step may be to think of one person who may have hurt you and at whom you still harbor resentment. You can forgive through the exact same pathway as described, for example, in the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. With anger lessened, anxiety can diminish. Of course, this will vary for each person. We have to be gentle with ourselves as we learn to forgive, to give up anger, and to know with some confidence that we can meet the next interpersonal challenge with forgiveness, helping us to meet these challenges with less anxiety than in the past.
