Tagged: “Anger”

When we forgive, we confront negative emotions.  It seems to me that if a person now associates these negative feelings with forgiveness, then this would damage the forgiveness process for the person. What is your opinion on this?

Yes, when we forgive, we at first link the negative emotions to the forgiveness process. Yet, this linking is for diagnostic purposes only. As an analogy, suppose you broke your ankle while jogging. When you go to the doctor, you are linking the broken ankle with the medical procedure. Yet, this is necessary for the purpose of diagnosis, treatment, and healing. It is the same with forgiving. We need to know the emotion and the depth of the emotion so that we can ascertain whether or not to go ahead with a forgiveness intervention and whether or not the forgiveness intervention is working (which it is if the emotions quiet). If the forgiveness intervention is successful, then there actually is not a strong linking of the negative emotion with forgiving but a decoupling of that negative emotion with the forgiveness process.

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What can you tell me about how forgiving can affect the physical heart (not the emotions but the cardiac system)?

 

We did a published study of men on a cardiac unit of a hospital. All of the participants had deep hurts from the past. Once they went through the forgiveness process, and four months after the end of that intervention, there was a statistically significant increase in blood flow through the heart as the men recalled the incident of deep hurt against them. This increase in blood flow did not occur for the control group that had the usual instruction of how to help the heart (diet, exercise, and stress-reduction). Here is the reference to this research:

Waltman, M.A., Russell, D.C., Coyle, C.T., Enright, R.D., Holter, A.C., & Swoboda, C. (2009).  The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease.  Psychology and Health, 24, 11-27.

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Is it possible that a person will not feel emotional relief at all when engaging in the forgiveness process?

The change in feelings from deep anger to more inner quiet does take time. Some people tell me that their anger does not necessarily go away entirely, but that the anger is no longer controlling them. If a person remains deeply angry after more than a few months of working on forgiveness, I usually ask this: Is there someone else in your life who somehow is reminding you of the one you are forgiving? For example, suppose you are trying to forgive your male friend and he has very similar patterns to your father. If you still have a lot of forgiveness work to do with your father, this can be getting in the way of forgiving the friend. This is the case because of how your feelings toward your father are spilling over to your feelings toward the friend. At that point, I usually ask the person to suspend forgiving the friend and to first focus on forgiving the father. Once the person forgives the father, then the feelings toward the father will no longer be interfering with the forgiveness process toward the friend. It is then that a true experience of emotional relief may begin to be present.

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How can one go about convincing someone that reconciliation is not a sacrifice but instead is a benefit?

When hurt deeply by others, a person can be afraid to reconcile because of a betrayal of trust. Trust takes time to re-establish. Starting the reconciliation process requires the moral virtue of courage. So, at first the one who is afraid may very well see the process of reconciliation as a sacrifice. Yet, with time, there can be surprising and delightful benefits of trying the reconciliation process primarily because love can be re-established between two people. Thus, the key is to ask the person to see beyond the first few weeks or the first few months of the reconciliation process to see the potential fruit of the reunion.

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Can you comment on giving a gift to someone whom you choose to not have any further contact with?

There seem to be two questions here: 1) Should I consider giving a gift to someone with whom I choose not to have any further contact; and, 2) How can I give such a gift?  Here is my answer to the “should” question: Forgiveness is about giving, even to those with whom you are angry and estranged. This is part of the paradox of forgiving: As you reach out in goodness to those who were not good to you, then you experience psychological healing. Therefore, it is morally appropriate and psychologically prudent to consider giving a gift, if you choose to forgive. The second question, regarding how it is even possible to give a gift to someone whom you will not see again is this: You can contribute to a charity in the person’s name. You can pray for the person if you have a religious belief.  You even can say a kind word about the person to someone else.
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