Tagged: “Anger”

If I go through the forgiveness process one time only, do you think my anger could diminish so much that I will not have to repeat the forgiveness process?

There are no definitive psychological rules about this.  If you take the time to deeply go through the forgiveness process once, then you may experience a return to a manageable level of anger without having to go through the forgiveness process again.  Please keep in mind that anger in smaller doses can remain in a person’s heart after that person forgives.  So, please do not expect perfection with regard to the emotion of anger.  As long as you are in control of the anger, rather than the anger controlling you, this is a very positive accomplishment.

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You talk about having to wait to experience emotional relief when forgiving.  What do you mean by waiting and how long does one wait?

When I use the word “wait” I mean that you are not in complete control of your emotions.  For example, if you are very angry at someone, you cannot just turn on a switch in your brain and then all of a sudden there is no more anger.  Because of this, we have to be patient as our emotions gradually change from anger or sadness or disappointment to more neutral and then possibly to more positive emotions.  There is no precise timeline for this.  You will know that the transformation is working by introspecting and seeing small changes in your anger or sadness.  As you see these small changes emerging, you can keep doing the work of forgiving and then you likely will experience larger and more positive changes in your emotions toward the one who harmed you.

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I heard that you recently published a study with your colleagues in which you helped men in prison learn to forgive.  What did you find and why did you focus on prisoners who, it seems to me, need to ask us for forgiveness because of what they did?

Rehabilitation in correctional institutions tends to focus on changing the behavior which led to the sentencing in the first place.  Yet, our research found that about 90% of 103 men whom we surveyed had considerable injustices against them when they were children or adolescents.  One gentleman was thrown out of his home by his mother when he was 10 years old.  He slept under cars at night as his bed.  So often, this kind of cruelty against children can lead to a welling up of hatred and this can lead to crime, arrest, and imprisonment.  Forgiveness Therapy allowed the men to forgive those who abused them which led to a statistically significant decrease in clinical levels of anger, anxiety, and depression to normal or near normal levels.  They also developed more empathy toward people in general.  Those in the control group, without Forgiveness Therapy, did not show this kind of improvement in their mental health, but when they then were given Forgiveness Therapy, they, too, showed similar improvement compared with the original experimental group.  Here is the reference to that research:

Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.

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My motivation to forgive is to assist the one who acted unjustly, to get her attention, to give her a chance to change.  She is not changing.  Therefore, it seems to me that I should withhold forgiving as a last-chance for her to repent and live a better life.  Isn’t this the way to go, to wait on forgiving until the other changes for the sake of that other person?

It seems to me that you are thinking in “either-or” ways rather than “both-and” ways.  This is what I mean: Yes, it is good to try to assist the other in changing unjust behavior.  You can do this assisting even after you forgive.  You can forgive from the heart, and even proclaim your forgiving to the other, and then ask for change.  Let the person know it is important that she sees her behavior as unjust and then do what she can to change that behavior.  If you wait to forgive until she changes, you may never forgive.  Now you are trapped by her choices, trapped with resentment that could last for years.

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How can one reconcile with a NPD spouse, who has been emotionally and physically abusive and forced to leave?

Reconciliation involves trust and trust needs to be established slowly, especially when your spouse, who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), was forced to leave. Is your spouse interested in reconciling? If so, I strongly recommend that you see if your spouse is beginning to develop what I call “the 3 R’s” of remorse or inner sorrow, repentance or sincerely apologizing to you for the multiple offenses, and recompense or making up for the damage done within reason.
Further, those with narcissism need to be convinced that they have a problem and one possible opening for this is to see if your spouse is truly willing to understand and to practice humility, which is the direct opposite of a narcissistic pattern. You can read more on humility here:

Humility: What Can It Do for You? (This link will take you to my personal guidance column at Psychology Today.)

With perseverance from both of you, your spouse may slowly become convicted of the need for more humility and the practice of the 3 R’s. I wish you the best in this courageous journey.
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