Tagged: “Anger”
What is one concrete step I can take to begin forgiving another who has hurt me?
Try to commit, as you read this, to do no harm to the other. This includes talking with bitterness about the other, deliberately ignoring, or thinking about taking revenge.
If someone has frustrated and offended me and I choose silence because I am afraid to choose dialogue and confront him, is this actually forgiveness on my part? Is it true forgiveness?
First, do you commit to doing no harm to the other? If yes, this is the beginning of forgiving. Do you see the inherent worth in the other, not because of what was done, but in spite of that? This, too, is part of forgiving. Do you wish the other well? This is part of forgiving as the late Lewis Smedes reminded us in his book, Forgive and Forget. The silence itself is not necessarily forgiving. Why? I can be silent with hatred in my heart. To forgive is to have a change of heart toward the offending person (as the philosopher Joanna North said in the book, Exploring Forgiveness, 1998).
It seems to me that for forgiveness to succeed, it is necessary for low self-esteem and toxic anger to disappear. What do you think?
For forgiveness to significantly raise a person’s self-esteem and to lower toxic anger, the person needs to commit, with a strong will, to the practice of forgiveness. This takes, as Aristotle says, practice, practice, and more practice. Our Process Model of Forgiveness is an empirically-verified way of helping people to reduce in negative emotions. Yet, when we forgive, we do not necessarily leave all negative psychological issues behind. For example, we still may have some residual anger, but that anger now no longer controls us. Instead, we are in control of the anger.
How can our students accept the spirit of forgiveness when violence is rampant in their family?
Students need to be taught that as one forgives, then seeking fairness also is necessary in certain contexts such as violence. Do not let one virtue (forgiveness) emerge without the other (justice) when there is danger. Just because certain people are unjust does not mean that now I as a forgiver am blocked from being a moral person who practices the other virtues such as courage and justice. It is hard to forgive a violent parent, but the alternative (hate) is a much harder condition with which to live for the growing child or for an adult-child who suffers the effects of that violence many years later.
How can we inspire someone to be forgiving, but not then feel like a perpetual victim?
Hearing about what forgiveness is and is not can motivate people to forgive. Simply trying forgiveness can be highly motivating because it puts love in the heart when done well. Also when forgiving is done well, the forgiver engages in the moral virtue of humility, which should help the forgiver to avoid a continual sense of victimhood with a “you owe me one” attitude.
