Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

Recently, one of my high school students approached me and said this, “I am kind of ambivalent about forgiveness.  If I forgive, some of the other students seem to think that I am a weakling.” I was not sure how to answer this. Do you have some insights for me?

The student is confusing forgiveness with giving in to others’ demands. This is not forgiveness. To forgive is to know that what the other person did is wrong and yet mercy is offered nonetheless. When one forgives, one also asks for justice and so this idea of weakness or giving in is not correct. There are two basic ways of distorting forgiveness: to let the other have power over you or to seek power over the other because of that person’s transgressions. True forgiveness avoids these extremes.

I have a 17-year-old son who is challenging me a lot.  I forgive.  He talks back.  I forgive again.  He is disrespectful again. I forgive again and again.  It is hard.  Help!

I say this to those who are in relationships in which one needs to maintain the relationship: Forgiveness under this circumstance becomes more difficult, but all the more necessary.  As you forgive, and your anger lessens, at that point try approaching your son and talk gently (as well as firmly) about his disrespectful behavior to you.  Also, and this is very important, try to uncover any anger your child may be carrying inside his heart that he needs to examine.  He may need to forgive people who have hurt him.  He may be displacing that anger onto you.  If you focus only on changing his behavior from disrespectful to respectful, you might miss his damaged heart in need of forgiving those who broke his heart.

If a person denies the injustice that happened to him, is it possible for the trauma to continue to exist in his subconscious?  Could this be what is the root of some people’s depression?

When a person is in denial from a serious injustice, then the effects of that injustice can still very much live within the person.  As you say, there may be a subconscious acknowledgement of the trauma which can increase anger.  The effects of the trauma also can include fatigue, feeling unsafe, and displacing anger onto other people.  These effects of the trauma can work in the person’s favor in this way: The person likely will be able to see and acknowledge at least some of these effects such as fatigue and anxiety.  These discomforts can open up discussion about the causes of them, which eventually can lead back to a conscious (rather than a subconscious) acknowledgement of the trauma.  Once the person acknowledges the trauma, then a discussion of forgiving the other person for that trauma might commence.

How can I be assured that, if I forgive, I will no longer experience negative emotions such as anger?

Forgiving others who acted unjustly does not automatically end negative feelings.  Our research shows that anger and other negative emotions can lessen, even in a strong way, but the negative emotions can resurface.  For example, you might have a dream about the person and you awaken with anger.  Yet, I have found that as people forgive, the anger reduces and becomes more manageable.  So, you should expect some relief from intensive anger, but because we are all imperfect people, some residual negative emotions may be present, at least at times.

How do we know when the anger inside is unhealthy?

Here are some questions you can ask yourself, the answers to which will help you see whether or not the anger is unhealthy or not:

1). How much anger do you have inside on a 1 to 10 scale, ranging from 1 (no anger) to 10 (an extreme amount of anger)?  A score in the 7 to 10 range is worth noting.

2). How often do you have this anger?  If you have it for much of the day for most days and this has lasted for weeks or months, then this is worth noting.

3). Do you have difficulty concentrating on tasks which you need to complete on any given day?  If so, how often is this happening? Again, if this occurs on most days, this is worth noting.

4). Does your anger interfere with your sleep?

5). Does the anger interfere with your energy level in that you are tired more often than you should be?

6). Is the anger interfering with your happiness in life?

If your answer is yes to questions 4 through 6, and if your anger is abiding in you, as seen in questions 1 through 3, then you should consider the probability that your anger is in need of correction.  If you have been treated unjustly by other people, then forgiveness may be a good way of regulating this unhealthy anger.