Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

How can our students accept the spirit of forgiveness when violence is rampant in their family? 

Students need to be taught that as one forgives, then seeking fairness also is necessary in certain contexts such as violence.  Do not let one virtue (forgiveness) emerge without the other (justice) when there is danger.  Just because certain people are unjust does not mean that now I as a forgiver am blocked from being a moral person who practices the other virtues such as courage and justice.  It is hard to forgive a violent parent, but the alternative (hate) is a much harder condition with which to live for the growing child or for an adult-child who suffers the effects of that violence many years later.

Can being angry have positive consequences?

Yes, if the anger is short-lived and is a call to action to right a wrong.  My worry, as spelled out in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, with Dr. Fitzgibbons, is anger that becomes prolonged (months or years) and intense.  This can lead to a host of psychological compromises.  We need to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?

You probably have heard the expression, “No pain….no gain.”  I sometimes wonder if forgiving, which reduces pain, gets in the way of growth.

The expression “no pain….no gain” does not imply that one must be in constant pain to grow as a person.  In weightlifting, for example, the pain is temporary for more long-term growth of muscles and strength.  I think it is similar for a person’s psychology.  The pain from unjust treatment is our forgiveness-gym as we develop our forgiveness muscles.  The point, as it is in weightlifting, is to stop the pain so that one can grow.  So, we do grow as we go though the pain.  We also grow in character as we forgive. In other words, pain, working through pain, and finding relief from the pain all work together to help a person grow in virtue and character.

For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.

I read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, and it became a revelation to me just how angry I have been toward my mother when I was growing up.  Is this common, to be angry, to be aware of the anger, but not have a clue about the depth of that anger?

Yes, it is common because of the psychological defense mechanisms of denial, suppression, and repression.  These defenses are not problematic if they keep unpleasant issues from us when we are not ready for the full brunt of those issues.  The defenses can get in the way of emotional healing when they prevent us from seeing the truth: I have been treated unfairly and I am angry about this.  So, in the short run, the psychological defenses can protect us from being overwhelmed.  In the long-run, slowly becoming aware of the depth of anger is a first step to healing from the effects of serious injustices.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy? 

My husband is hesitant to forgive because he says he does not want to act as if the problem (with his brother) never happened.  Do you have some advice for me?

It may help if your husband realizes that forgiveness and justice exist together.  One can and should seek justice, and in my view, the quest for justice works well once a person already has forgiven.  At the same time, once people forgive, they do not want to keep bringing up what happened. There is a tendency toward moving on.  Thus, your husband, if he forgives, will not want to keep bringing up the injustice and, in all likelihood, he will want to leave it in the past.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.