Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

How open should I be with my children (ages 9 and 11) regarding my father (their grandfather)?  He was abusive, and we are estranged from him.  Do I give my children details about the injustice as I start to walk the path of forgiveness?

You need not go into details of your father’s abuses.  You could say that there were injustices, and you can give some child-appropriate examples without going into details that are not fit for children.  It would be good for them to hear of your forgiveness and how it is healing your heart.  Eventually, the children might be able to share the joy of a true reconciliation if the abuse has ended and you have confidence that it indeed is over.

How should l correct a 6-year-old child who equates forgiveness with revenge?

You could show the child, through a picture book, such as Horton Hears a Who, that forgiveness involves patience, gentleness, and respect.  In Horton Hears a Who, the kindly elephant is even patient with the jungle animals who tie him up and make fun of him.  He does not take revenge, but shows patience and kindness.

Can you please provide a reference in which you studied young children learning about forgiveness with the use of the concept of inherent worth?

Yes, here is a study conducted in Northern Ireland with primary school children that focused on inherent worth and forgiveness.  The first-grade students (Primary 3 in Northern Ireland) statistically significantly decreased in anger.  The third-grade students (Primary 5 in Northern Ireland) showed a statistically significant increase in forgiving a person who hurt them.  They statistically significantly decreased in anger and psychological depression.

Enright, R.D., Knutson, J.A., Holter, A.C., Baskin, T., & Knutson, C. (2007).  Waging peace through forgiveness in Belfast, Northern Ireland II: Educational programs for mental health improvement of children. Journal of Research in Education, Fall, 63-78.

Thank you again for clarifying the concept of inherent worth.  Can you suggest a picture book to help children grasp the idea of inherent worth?

Yes, we have used Eve Bunting’s children’s book, Summer Wheels, among many others.  In this story, the Bicycle Man repairs and lends bicycles to neighborhood children.  The rule is that all bikes must be returned by 4pm. When one boy disobeys and keeps the bike, two other boys get angry.  Eventually, the angry ones see how tenderly the Bicycle Man treats the bike-keeping boy, showing that persons are more important than objects, even bicycles.

Thank you for clarifying the importance of having children learn about inherent worth.  Can this actually be taught with children as young as six or seven years old?

Yes, we have done this successfully, for example, in Northern Ireland.  We even use the words “inherent worth,” and the children can understand that it is a basic point of being human, going beyond actions only.