Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

You make the point that angry parents can transfer that anger and suffering onto their unsuspecting children.  My own mother was physically abused as a child.  She was determined not to pass that to her children and so I can truly say that I was not physically abused as a child.  Yet, without meaning to do so, my own dear mother passed temper tantrums to us instead.  I think it was an extension of the physical abuse in the form of unresolved anger.  I now want to make a commitment not to pass these temper tantrums to my own children.  Yet, what if I pass another form of stress to my children, such as repression of anger where I and then they keep their anger bottled up inside, which could lead to depression?  How do I avoid this?

Half the battle is to be aware, as you are, that you can pass a form of stress to your children.  As you currently are aware, this could be overt and behavioral, such as temper tantrums, or more subtle, as in the form of the psychological defense mechanism of repression.  Your being aware of these possibilities is important.  The other half of the equation is to commit to behaviorally avoiding the tantrums and cognitively being aware of the possibility of passing unhealthy and sustained psychological defenses to your children.  Try to introspect in a temperate way so that you see what is still left over for you from your childhood and then work to avoid establishing patterns, based on the leftover stress, toward your own children.

What is the difference between finding meaning after forgiving and developing a new purpose?

Finding meaning is a cognitive exercise in which the forgiver begins to understand how forgiveness operates within human hearts, families, and communities.  As people find new meaning upon forgiving, they tend to be more aware of others’ suffering as well as one’s own suffering.  Purpose is the decision and action to do something about these new insights.  For example, a new purpose for some people upon forgiving is to assist others to forgive as a way of reducing the suffering caused by people who acted unjustly.  Meaning is cognitive and purpose is more behavioral.

In Memoriam: Another Tribute to a Long-Time Board Member and Friend, Sister Mary Ellen Lewis

It was not long ago that I posted a tribute to the late Msgr. John Hebl, who passed away in March of this year.  Today, we pay tribute to yet another of our Board Members, Sister Mary Ellen Lewis, who passed away on April 24, 2024.  Sr. Mary Ellen was one of our first Board Members.  I recall her coming to my office at the university and she humbly asked how she might become involved in the forgiveness work.  She had a passion for helping people who have suffered injustices from others.  When I suggested that she consider being on our board, she graciously and enthusiastically accepted.  I think it was her passion for education, which made a difference in people’s lives, that led her to the original meeting with me so long ago now.

Sister Mary Ellen has a long history of university degrees.  For example, she earned a Nursing degree at St. Louis City HospitalSchool of Nursing, becoming a Registered Nurse in 1955. She further received a Bachelorof Science degree from Saint Louis University in 1962.  On top of that, she earned a Master’s degree in Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Wisconsin-Madison in 1969 and earned another Master’s degree in Theology through Aquinas Institute of Theology, St. Louis, in 1990.

Her love of learning and her passion for assisting hurting people certainly helped us at our International Forgiveness Institute. She even arranged for funding when we needed it for international conferences. She helped with budget details and always supported new initiatives at our institute, especially those that focused on forgiveness for peace in world conflict zones.

Rest in peace, Sister Mary Ellen. Thank you for serving people all these many years, and for contributing to a better world through your passion for peace through forgiveness education.

If a mental health professional wishes to “get up to speed” with forgiveness therapy, what would you recommend?  It is my goal to be a therapist in the future and I am interested in incorporating forgiveness therapy into my practice.

The American Psychological Association published Forgiveness Therapy, a book written for mental health professionals. A course based on that book is available here at our International Forgiveness Institute. The American Psychological Association has also produced two videos of actual forgiveness therapy sessions, which should be helpful to those getting started with forgiveness in their therapeutic practices.

I think some things are unforgivable, such as incest or the murder of one’s child.  So, those advocating for forgiveness need to back off in such cases.

Let us discuss first the issue of “advocating for forgiveness.”  People who are enthusiastic about forgiveness need to be careful not to put pressure on others to forgive.  The decision to forgive needs to come from the one who was offended.  Regarding the “unforgivable,” we need to clarify what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we are offering mercy to a person.  The emphasis is on the offending person and not on the act itself.  In other words, people do not forgive the “incest or the murder of one’s child.”  A person forgives those who perpetrated the actions.  Not everyone would choose to forgive the offender under these circumstances.  Yet, there are people who have forgiven such offenders.  An example of women forgiving the father or father-figure for incest is documented in a scientific study as follows:

Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996).  Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.

Regarding the issue of forgiving the murderer of one’s child, Marietta Jaeger is well known for her forgiving the murderer of her child.  You can view some of her presentations on YouTube.