Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
When someone is obviously mentally ill, and she gossips about you to the family, what advice would you give to the one who is the recipient of the gossip? My nephews have been informed by a relative who lives in a different state that I suffer from compulsive gambling. I’ve never been a gambler. Do I extend forgiveness? Given the mental instability, I wonder if I should “just let it go” rather than forgive.
Yes, I believe it is appropriate to forgive as the result is hurtful regardless of whether the aim was intentional or not. It should be easier to forgive if you are aware that the individual has a mental illness—I won’t speculate as to what it might be. Remember that there is still some degree of free will present, even in cases when a personality disorder of some sort is involved. Put another way, most people with mental disorders still have free will and, therefore, a range of ways to express themselves. This relative has picked you for condemnation. That is forgivable.
Are there any studies showing a cause-and-effect relationship between learning how to forgive and cardiac health?
Yes, we have an experimental study in which we screened cardiac patients for deep injustices against them and the presence of anger. When the experimental group (which had a forgiveness intervention) was compared with the control group (which had heart-health instruction in the hospital setting), the experimental group, after the intervention, had more blood flow through the heart compared with the participants in the control group. Here is the reference to that work:
Waltman, M.A., Russell, D.C., Coyle, C.T., Enright, R.D., Holter, A.C., & Swoboda, C. (2009). The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease. Psychology and Health, 24, 11-27.
What is the difference between acceptance and forgiveness?
A close cousin of mine has a terrible habit. “Please forgive me for this,” he begs me before criticizing me more. How can one forgive someone who plans out their meanness in advance and then acts on it? This kind of thing is difficult for me to forgive.
I can appreciate how frustrated you are. The relative clearly knows that this will cause you pain, but still proceeds. It is evident that he knows this could hurt you because he would not have asked for your forgiveness in advance. This is an obvious issue of injustice for you. Given the circumstances, it would be wise to attempt to forgive him even if you know it might take longer due to the continuing unjust context. At the same time, try to exercise justice, after you have a forgiving heart, so that you can ask for fairness in a temperate and gentle way.
