Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

I am a parent with a child who is angry.  This started when my husband divorced me.  I say my child is angry because of rather quick temper tantrums.  Yet, when I talk with him about his anger, he is in denial, telling me that he has no anger.  What advice do you have for me to begin helping him to see that, indeed, he is angry, actually quite angry?

First, I think you need patience with your child.  He is deeply hurt because of the divorce.  I say that because you say his temper tantrums began in the context of the divorce.  Rather than discussing his anger, I recommend that you gently talk with him about his wounded heart.  Give him time to see that he is deeply hurt by his father leaving.  Once he can see this, then talking about forgiveness is a next step.  Once your child has the safety-net of forgiveness (that can lessen hurt and anger), he then likely will be open to seeing that he is angry and that there is a solution to it–forgiveness.

You said earlier to me that when we forgive we do not acquiesce to the other’s demands.  May I respectfully disagree on this.  I disagree because I have been reading recently and seeing on media videos some people discussing what they call “toxic forgiveness.”  To those who use this term, there is an element to forgiveness that is out of balance with fairness.  Is it not reasonable for all of us to be aware of how forgiveness can get out of balance to such a degree that it becomes “toxic” for the one who forgives?

I think there is a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not by people who use the words “toxic forgiveness.”  They usually refer to people who “forgive” and then just put up with the unfairness of the other person.  This is not an issue of forgiveness at all, but instead of a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we do not give in to the other’s demands.  When this happens, the one who supposedly is “forgiving” is instead deciding to turn away from a fair solution and then is calling this “forgiveness.”  Forgiveness as a moral virtue of goodness does not give in to unfairness.  Otherwise, it would not be a moral virtue at all.  Here is an analogy to make my point clearer.  Suppose a person wants to become physically fit.  This person walks about 200 steps, then sits down and eats a gallon of ice cream.  This occurs every day and the person gains 20 pounds.  Suppose now that this person says, “I have tried physical fitness and it is toxic.  All it does is put weight on me.”  Is it really physical fitness that is the problem, or a distortion of what it truly means to start a physical fitness program?  Suppose now that many people start saying that physical fitness is “toxic.”  Where does the error lie, with physical fitness itself or with a conceptual distortion, and a serious one at that, regarding what it actually means to engage in physical fitness?  It is the same with “toxic forgiveness.” People distort the meaning of forgiveness and then proclaim that forgiveness is “toxic.”

I knew it.  Forgiveness is a weakness of giving in to the other person’s unreasonable demands.  The one who is hurting me insists on my “forgiveness” so that we both can just forget all about his behavior.  It is a game of power.  Convince me that this is not true that forgiveness is a sign of weakness.

What you describe, indeed, is a power play by the other person.  He is trying to get you to acquiesce to his behavior that you find unacceptable.  This is not forgiveness.  When you forgive, you bring justice alongside the forgiveness.  In other words, you ask the person to change that which is hurting you.

Consider Giving the Gift of Forgiveness This Year

In the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness.  The ideas that forgiving is a gift to those who have hurt you sometimes gets forgiveness into trouble.  In other words, people think it is irrational to consider offering a gift to those who are unfair.  The typical reasons for this resistance to forgiveness as gift-giving are these:

1. It is dangerous to reach out to those who act unfairly because I am open to further abuse.
2. My gift-giving might be a signal to the misbehaving others that their actions are acceptable, which they are not.
3. Gift-giving to those who acted unfairly seems counter-intuitive to my own healing. I need to move on and not focus on this other person.

The ideas above can be countered this way: With regard to (A), you do not necessarily have to reconcile with an unrepentant person who keeps harming you.  You can give your gift from a distance, such as a kind word about the person to others or an email so that you can keep your distance if this is prudent to do so.  With regard to (B), you can forgive and ask for justice.  Forgiving never means that the other just goes ahead as usual with hurtful behaviors.  In other words, if you decide to forgive, you can and should ask for fairness from the other person.  With regard to (C), forgiveness will seem counter-intuitive as goodness to those who are not good to you only if your focus is entirely on justice or a fair solution to the problem.  If you begin to see that mercy (in the form of forgiving) and justice can and should exist side-by-side, then perhaps this idea of forgiveness as a contradiction or as inappropriate or as somehow odd may lessen in you.

Forgiveness can be a gift in these ways:

• As you forgive, you are giving the other person a second chance at a trustworthy relationship with you. Of course, trust takes time to develop, but forgiveness opens the door, even if a little, to trying the trust-route with the other who behaved unjustly.
• Forgiveness can be a merciful way of showing the other what the injustice actually is (or was), making possible positive change in the other. Those who behave badly and are offered this mercy may begin to see the unfairness more clearly and have the inner conviction that change indeed is necessary.
• Forgiveness can be a gift to yourself as you shed abiding anger that could have been yours for many years. You have a second-chance at stronger mental health.
• As you reduce toxic anger, this actually can be an aid in strengthening your relationships with people who were not the ones who acted badly. After all, when people carry around a lot of anger in their hearts, they can displace that anger onto unsuspecting others.  Your forgiving one person, then, can be a gift to others who do not have to endure your displaced anger.   

So, then, what do you think?  Do you see that in the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness?

How might people distort the process of forgiveness?

For decades, our group has been monitoring and trying to correct false definitions of what it means to forgive those who acted unjustly.  For example, in defining what forgiving is, some authors have erroneously equated forgiveness with excusing the wrong done, automatically reconciling, and abandoning a quest for justice.

I have come to realize that even the process of forgiveness (how people go about forgiving) can be prone to misinterpretations, to errors in what actually occurs when a person engages in the process of forgiving.  To correct these errors, let us consider four responses to these misconceptions.

1. As a person walks the path of forgiveness, there is a tendency to say, “I have not done enough; I have not reached perfect forgiveness.” This kind of thinking expects too much of the forgiveness process. As Lewis Smedes said in his book, Forgive and Forget, forgiveness is for imperfect people.  We rarely reach a perfect state of forgiving.  We must be careful not to disparage ourselves if we still have some work to do on the forgiveness process once we exert time and effort on it.  Often in our research, when people are gravely hurt by others and are very low in forgiving, they tend to go to the middle part of our forgiveness scale, not to the higher end.  Yet, this progression makes all the difference as people shed excessive anger, anxiety, and depression, and can increase in self-esteem.  The message here is this: Try to be temperate. On the one hand, do not expect perfect forgiveness. On the other, do not give it a half-hearted effort, concluding that, since you are not perfect, there is no need to keep trying.  Strike the balance between too little effort and too high an expectation for you as a forgiver.  You will know you are making progress as your anger lessens and as you wish the offending person well (as Smedes reminded us in his book).

2. Here is another worry about the forgiveness process: “My process of forgiveness may create an expectation in the other that he now deserves to be back in my life.”  Your engaging in the process of forgiveness may lead to a variety of different reactions in other people.  Some may now demand reconciliation.  This is not your fault.  It is a misunderstanding on the part of the one who acted badly.  Other people’s misinterpretation of your forgiving, of your goals in doing so, is not your error.  It is the other’s error and so please do not hold yourself responsible (or the process of
   

   Learn more about the process of forgiveness in this easy-to-use, step-by-step, how-to-forgive guide.

   forgiveness responsible) for the other’s misinterpretation.  You may have to clarify that your forgiving does not necessarily mean that you are ready to reconcile.  The forgiveness process, as goodness toward others, remains good even if others misunderstand.

3. Here is another: “My process of forgiveness may be so time consuming as to imbalance my full life.” This is another issue of intemperance.  We can over-do (or under-do) just about anything.  Be careful not to place forgiving so high on the priority list that you spend far too little time with loved ones, or neglect your job, or fail to get adequate exercise or rest.  The process of forgiveness is part of a complete life.

4. And here is our fourth worry about the forgiveness process: “Even as I engage in the process of forgiveness, I may not end all anger.” This kind of fear is common.  People want to be done with anger and discontent which are effects of the unjust treatment against them.  Even if all anger does not subside, in all likelihood, as you practice forgiving, and then try again…..and then again…..the anger lessens.  You, then, are in control of the anger rather than the anger controlling you.

The definition of forgiveness can be distorted.  Understanding the process of forgiving can be distorted.  Do not let these distortions deter you from the life-giving practice of forgiving.