Tagged: “break free from the past”

Thank you for suggesting that I start forgiving soon. Would you recommend that I start with a therapist, or can I do this on my own?

You can start on your own, and if you feel stuck and need support, then finding a good therapist is recommended. Please ensure that this mental health professional is well-versed in Forgiveness Therapy.  Otherwise, the person might suggest other paths that may not be as effective as a forgiveness intervention.

I tend to have moderate to high levels of anger.  I actually am scared that my holding onto this anger could kill me.  When would you recommend that I start to forgive those who were unfair to me, leading to this anger?

You definitely are not denying the anger. You are seeing that it can harm you. You seem ready to forgive. You can start today or as soon as possible to forgive.

If I try to minimize in my own mind the extent of another person’s injustice against me, this tends to lower my anger.  Is this approach all right in your view?

No, actually, it is not, because it denies what happened.  This denial will not necessarily lead to a more lasting reduction in the anger. For example, weeks later, you might have a thought that is more accurate regarding the extent of the injustice against you. You then will have to deal with that. If, on the other hand, you once again reframe the injustice with the distortion that it was not so bad, the more realistic appraisal likely will resurface later once again. It is better to see reality as it is so that you can see the extent of the injustice, the extent of the anger within you, and then deal constructively with this.

You talk frequently about the negative aspects of anger. My question is this: Are all forms of anger unhealthy? In other words, do I have to avoid anger at all costs?

When we talk about anger, for example, in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, authored by Dr. Fitzgibbons and me, the emphasis is on deep and abiding anger, what psychologists call resentment and psychiatrists call irritability. This kind of anger can lead to compromises in emotional health, such as an increase in anxiety and depression. Yet, short-term anger can be good because you know an injustice has occurred, and you further realize it is unfair.  The key is not to let the anger dominate and linger for weeks, months, or years.

Can a person forgive another in a short amount of time, say, 10 minutes or even a couple of hours?

Yes, this is possible, but in my experience, the forgiver in such a case is not usually struggling with a grave offense.  Very serious offenses usually require the strong medicine of forgiveness, which can take weeks or even months.  As one example, Dr. Suzanne Freedman worked with incest survivors, and it took them, on average, about 14 months to forgive the father or father figure.  The reference to that research is here:

Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996).  Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.