Tagged: “break free from the past”
I have a friend who is constantly saying that he is “transcending his anger.” In other words, when he feels angry, he stays in the moment, observes the anger without reacting to it, and then it goes away. He says that forgiveness is not necessary as a way of dealing with his anger. What is your opinion of this as an approach to rid oneself of angry feelings?
If the anger is temporary and likely will fade on its own, then patience and being aware of that anger may be antidotes to the current unpleasant feelings, including his response of not behaviorally reacting to the anger. On the other hand, if the anger is caused by the injustices of others and if that anger has been with him for weeks or months or even years, then this kind of awareness and “staying in the moment” likely is not curing the anger. In other words, his “transcending his anger” is a short-term adjustment to the anger, but when he is not practicing this “transcendence” the anger may be resurfacing. It is under such circumstances that forgiving (presuming he was deeply hurt by others’ injustice) may add to the healing of the current anger. I say this because forgiveness does not just manage the anger in the present moment. Instead, forgiveness can actually reduce the anger to manageable levels and keep it away.
I recall that there was a quotation from Aaron Beck on the back cover of your first book for mental health professionals, Helping Clients Forgive. I no longer have that book cover. Would you please restate Dr. Beck’s quotation for me? It had to do with Forgiveness Therapy being stronger than Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when people are treated very unjustly by others.
Yes, I can provide that. Here is Dr. Aaron Beck’s quote on the back cover of the book, Helping Clients Forgive, by Enright and Fitzgibbons (2000): “Anger and the wish to punish a family member or friend for past grievances often remain resistant to the most useful cognitive-behavioral approaches. In this volume, Enright and Fitzgibbons show how forgiveness can help to finalize past resentment and allow people to lay their past grievances to rest. This is essential reading for anyone working with patients, as well as for those people who cannot relinquish past hurts.”
I am working for a company that does not have good human relations skills. There is a subtle sense of disrespect that pervades the work environment. Do I forgive certain people or do I begin to forgive the company? If you say it is the company, how do you go about forgiving such an abstract entity?
You can forgive those who specifically have hurt you. Also, because the company is made up of persons who either explicitly or implicitly have created this norm of disrespect, you can forgive the company personnel who have established this unhealthy norm. You can forgive these persons even if you never met them. After all, they are persons and they have made mistakes in how they operate. Even if this company was established 100 years ago, you can forgive those who started the company if it seems that this norm of disrespect was cultivated by them.
How can I handle another person’s apology when that person does not change?
You can try to forgive before speaking and then, as gently as you can, ask the person for change that is fair to you and to the relationship. As you are seeing, an apology by itself can be superficial if the other does not take steps to change the behavior that was in need of the apology in the first place.
I knew it. Forgiveness is a weakness of giving in to the other person’s unreasonable demands. The one who is hurting me insists on my “forgiveness” so that we both can just forget all about his behavior. It is a game of power. Convince me that this is not true that forgiveness is a sign of weakness.
What you describe, indeed, is a power play by the other person. He is trying to get you to acquiesce to his behavior that you find unacceptable. This is not forgiveness. When you forgive, you bring justice alongside the forgiveness. In other words, you ask the person to change that which is hurting you.
