Tagged: “break free from the past”

I know you distinguish between forgiving and reconciling.  Yet, I still have a fear that if I forgive my ex-boyfriend, who was quite abusive, then I might be tempted to give it another try, which I do not want to do.  What would you suggest to me in this frustrating situation?

You need to be strong in your thinking about what reconciliation actually is. You would need trust that he has remorse (inner sorrow), repentance (the sincere proclamation of that sorrow), and recompense (making up, as best he can, for the abusive behavior). You can forgive from the heart and be rid of the resentment, which could be more damaging to you than to him if you keep hatred in your heart. As you forgive, guard against a hasty reconciliation, which may not come if he remains abusive.

My father’s boss was deeply unfair to him at work. He hasn’t forgiven. I think he is having a hard time starting the forgiveness process. I, too, currently am finding it difficult to forgive his boss, but I am ready to give it a try. Should I wait until my father forgives before I start the forgiveness process?

Forgiving someone who has harmed a family member is totally acceptable if you also have been harmed by that behavior. You can extend forgiveness whenever you’re ready. Therefore, you don’t have to wait for your father to forgive first. You might demonstrate to your father that forgiveness is possible by forgiving his boss.

Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory Available Soon!

Photo by Ann H, Pexels.com

A new forgiveness measure has been validated and soon will be on this website, free of charge for those who ask for a copy of it.  The scale is called the Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI).  It assesses people’s reasons for forgiving.  As examples, is the person primarily forgiving to heal from emotional challenges?  Is the person forgiving to help the one who was unfair to improve behavior?  The reference to the journal article on the validation of this scale is this:

Li, Y., Kim, J., Song, J., & Enright, R.D. (in press). Validating the Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI). Current Psychology

I find it difficult to empathize with people if I can’t see them, engage with them, or feel their suffering. So how can I truly forgive someone who isn’t currently in my life?

I suggest that you begin with thinking activities.  In my book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, I discuss adopting a broader perspective on the people you wish to forgive. These viewpoints—personal, global, and cosmic—help you see others as vulnerable and possibly in pain, which can increase your empathy for them.

Even though my sister was cruel to me, I still feel good about her. Does this mean that I have completed the forgiveness process? To put it another way, is forgiveness just about having positive feelings, or is there more involved?

The process of forgiving someone does not conclude with positive emotions alone. Positive emotions can be passive in and of themselves, if you think about it. For instance, you sit on the couch and feel good about your sister, but you never approach her in a pleasant way. Forgiveness is a moral attribute that encompasses thinking, feeling, and acting (reasonably) toward the person who has wronged you. Reconciliation with the other person is possible when you provide forgiveness. Being receptive to reconciliation does not mean that people will automatically reunite. For reconciliation to truly take place, the other person must behave in a civil manner and not continually be hurtful.