Tagged: “break free from the past”
The Forgiving Heart: Cultivating Compassion
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At times, scholars who study forgiveness use a term called “decisional forgiveness.” It refers more to the mind than the heart as the person thinks about forgiveness and commits to reducing anger and increasing mercy toward those who have been unfair. While thinking about forgiveness is important, it is reductionistic to define forgiveness, which is a moral virtue (Song, Enright, & Kim, 2025), primarily as a cognitive activity. This is the case because any moral virtue is much broader than that, including thinking, behaving, and feeling toward the one who acted unjustly.
The purpose of this essay is to focus on forgiveness from the heart, from one’s feelings as a vital part of the forgiveness process. As you cultivate a more holistic view and practice of forgiveness that goes beyond decision-making, you may find a deeper and more satisfying way to respond to those who have hurt you. Consider seven exercises to strengthen the forgiving heart.
1. What Exactly Is Compassion?
In this first exercise, we will be somewhat philosophical. The point is to understand compassion deeply enough so that you can define what it is. Compassion includes the emotion of caring for others who are in need, for example, due to unfortunate decisions or unexpected life circumstances that engender suffering. Compassion is a softening of the heart toward others, including a willingness to suffer with the other. When we forgive with compassion, we move from a wounded heart to a softened heart. It is distinguished from reconciliation, which includes mutual trust and a behavioral coming together. Aristotle connected compassion to the moral virtue of kindness toward others. Compassion can stir the heart to action, or helping those in need.
2. Don’t Start with Forgiveness, but Start with a Little Compassion
In this exercise, the point is not to apply a sense of compassion toward those who have been cruel to you. Instead, let us step back from all this hurt and turn to a time when one person unconditionally showed you compassion. Maybe this happened when you were a child, fell and hurt yourself, and your mother embraced you, comforting and protecting you. This is compassion toward you. Take some time to think of one such incident and reflect upon it, letting it abide in your heart. Stay with this image until you can truly say, “Yes, this experience convinces me that I have been the recipient of others’ compassion.”
3. When Have You Been a Giver of Compassion?
The point of exercise 3 again is not to apply this directly toward those who offended you. Now, please think of a time in which you (not someone else) exercised compassion toward someone who needed your help. Maybe it was spending much time with a friend who was grieving. Maybe it was helping a neighbor or co-worker under pressure and needed someone to rely on, who was you. When did you serve another person by exercising this compassion? Let this abide in your heart. Stay with this image until you can truly say, “Yes, this experience convinces me that I can be compassionate in this way.”
4. Without Turning Yet to Compassion, Now Bring the One Who Hurt You into Your Awareness.
We start not with the heart, but with the mind. Can you think of any time in which the one who hurt you was so wounded that those wounds were passed to you? I do not ask so that you can excuse what the other person did. Instead, the point is to understand the person better, as this someone who has gone through pain. Who is this person? Is this someone who has been carrying wounds from others, even for years? What might it be like for this person, deep inside, with such a wounded heart? As you engage in this exercise, can you sense that your heart is moving, even if slowly, from an entrenched anger or a deep resentment to, perhaps, a different form of feeling? Might you be shifting from resentment to mourning about what happened to you? Might your heart be shifting from anger toward sadness toward the other for what was endured by this person?
5. Take Some Time to Put All of This Together.
Take some time to understand that: a) You understand compassion; b) you have experienced compassion from another or others; c) you see clearly that you have offered compassion to others; and d) you see the one who hurt you as hurting. Who are you as a person? Who are you, given that you have experienced the giving and receiving of compassion in your life? You are more than your wounds. Take some time to reflect on this.
6. Take the Compassion Test Before Applying It to the Offending Person.
I will give you six questions here. Please answer yes or no and defend your answers. Question 1: Is it reasonable to try to feel another’s pain and serve this person even if it is difficult for you to do so? Why or why not? Question 2: Can compassion build you up in your own humanity? Why or why not? Question 3: Can compassion refresh you, the one who was cruel to you, and others with whom you frequently interact? Why or why not? Question 4: Can compassion, practiced over time, help to heal a wounded heart? Why or why not? Question 5: Do you want to live a life with more compassion? Why or why not?
7. Now, Put the Pieces of Compassion Together, a Little at a Time, Toward the One Who Hurt You.
When you are ready, first cultivate that sense of receiving compassion and being compassionate toward others into your heart from Exercises 1 and 2 above. With that softness now in your heart, ask yourself this: Can I extend this compassion, even a little bit, toward the one who was cruel to me? How might this aid the person in growing in humanity? How might it help me and our potential renewed relationship? Take your time here. Be aware of small but important transformations in your heart. Be aware of the positive change in yourself when you ask: Who am I, truly, as a person, and what do I want to leave behind as my legacy when I leave this world?
Conclusion
In the end, you have a choice. You can forgive with a sense of being respectful toward the other and not bring compassion into the process if you are not ready. Be aware of your readiness to extend your compassion toward those who are not good to you. As you decide to include compassion in your forgiveness process, you are exercising forgiveness more deeply, perhaps than ever before. The outcome might be a surprising joy that you receive as you practice forgiveness from the heart.
Reference: Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness: The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3-24.
How can I help others learn to suffer well when they are treated badly? I am concerned because, if I open up a heart-wound in a friend by talking about suffering well through forgiveness, how can I help close the wound in the heart so that he does not emotionally bleed to the point of an emergency?
I recommend the following six approaches: 1) Be sure you are very clear about what forgiveness is and is not. Too often, people reject forgiveness because they misunderstand it, equating it with “just letting it go” or “just moving on.” Be sure the person sees that forgiveness is a moral virtue in which he willingly tries to be merciful to the other without excusing or abandoning justice; 2) Give him time to reflect on what forgiveness is and is not, and to make an informed, free-will decision to move forward with forgiveness; 3) If he decides to try forgiveness, start with a person who was only a little unjust, toward whom your friend has some annoyance, but not frothing hatred; 4) # 3 could take some time if your friend is unfamiliar with the forgiveness process; 5) After #4 is completed, ask if he wants to continue. If so, then have him choose another less serious case of injustice and forgive that person; 6) Over time, as he becomes more proficient at forgiving, he should be able to forgive the person who has deeply wounded his heart because he knows the forgiveness pathway and has practiced it.
In chapter 10 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say this: “Knowing how to forgive is also preparation for the injuries and pain that will come in the future.” That seems kind of pessimistic. Should I be living my life, always looking over my shoulder, trying to find the next person who will treat me cruelly?
The point of the sentence is this: We are in a fallen world in which people are not always at their best. Because of this, our being treated unjustly by others is to be expected, and so we should be prepared for that. We have to be temperate (balanced, not extreme) on this so that, as you say, we are not constantly looking over our shoulders for the next injustice. Yet, we do not want to be intemperate in the other direction either. In other words, we do not want to deny the realities of this world, so we need to be prepared for injustices that likely will come. If we do not learn to forgive, we may be defenseless when faced with deep resentment. How do we get rid of it? If we have no clue, this gives others who treat us badly too much power over our wounded hearts. If, instead, we realistically and temperately learn to forgive, then we are ready to do the work of reducing that resentment when the injustices against us come and are serious.
Is There Ever an Obligation to Forgive?
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I want to learn more about this agape love you mentioned in your earlier answer about finding meaning in suffering through forgiveness. If I wanted to learn more about agape love, could you recommend a couple of readings on the topic?
Yes, I would recommend Gene Outka’s classic book Agape and this journal article:
Enright, R.D., Wang Xu, J., Rapp, H., Evans, M., & Song, J. (2022). The philosophy and social science of agape love. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 42(4), 220– 237. https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000202
