Tagged: “break free from the past”

My friend and I have a lot of conflicts and yet I do want to reconcile in the hope that these conflicts will be reduced.  What would you suggest if such a reconciliation will be kind of rocky yet we both want to try?

I would recommend two points.  First, are you both willing to forgive each other first so that you do not bring a lot of anger into dialogue with each other?  Second, and if you are willing to forgive each other, what are the small steps each of you can take to help the other feel more trusting?  In other words, what have you been doing to damage trust and can you take a small step in a better direction?  Is your friend willing to do the same by taking small steps to build up your trust?

If I forgive my friend from several years ago, do I have to reconnect and tell him this?

No, you can forgive from your heart and you do not have to let the person know, especially if you already have decided that you will not reconcile.

I am trying my best to forgive a family member who has some sustained anger, not temper tantrums, but a kind of simmering anger that comes out frequently. I now am wondering if it is harder to forgive someone for this than other issues.

I do think it may be more difficult to forgive someone who has what you call sustained “simmering anger.” You may have to forgive on a daily basis if you are in regular contact with a person who is continuously angry.  After you have forgiven to a deep enough level so that you can approach, in a civil way, this person, then it may be time to gently ask for justice.  Part of justice is to ask this person, if you feel safe with this, to begin working on the anger so that you are not hurt by it.

For the effects of unjust treatment against a person, you talk frequently of anger.  Yet, I think I am more in pain than angry.  What would you say about that?

I agree with you that pain occurs after being treated unjustly.  I think the sequence is as follows: 1) Someone is unfair to you; 2) Next comes shock or even denial; 3) Then comes pain, as you describe; 4) If the pain does not lessen or if you have no effective way of reducing and eliminating the pain, then you may become angry.

That anger can be at the person for acting unfairly, or at the situation, or even at the pain itself that resulted from the unfair treatment.  It is the anger, if it abides and deepens, that can lead to health problems (fatigue, anxiety, and so forth).  So, I emphasize anger within Forgiveness Therapy because it, in the form of excessive anger or resentment, can be dangerous to health, relationships, and communities.

Is it harder to forgive if a person is filled with anger compared with another person who is filled with pain and sorrow after being treated unfairly?

It seems to me that if the anger is very intense and includes resentment or even hatred, then, yes, it is harder to forgive. Some people who are fuming with anger cannot even use the word “forgiveness” because it intensifies the anger. At the same time, if a person has deep sorrow, sometimes there is an accompanying lack of energy and the person needs some time to mourn first. At such times, the person needs to be gentle with the self as emotional healing takes place.