Tagged: “Couples”

About a year ago, my wife did something that hurt me very deeply.  She has not apologized and does not feel responsible because her actions lacked the intention to cause pain.  I don’t wish her any ill will, nor do I want to hurt her back.  While I believe I can forgive her, even without an apology, is it inconsistent with the notion of forgiveness that I feel she cannot remain my wife if she will not take responsibility for her part in my suffering?

Yes, it is inconsistent to both forgive your wife and to consider leaving her for the hurt she caused you, especially when her action appears to be a one-time act that was not repeated. To put in perspective what I am saying, I think you may have a good case against your marriage if: a) she showed a pattern before marriage that made it impossible for her to be a wife to you; b) she continued this pattern that is so extreme that she was not a wife to you during the marriage, and c) it appears, from the counsel you receive from competently wise people, that she does not have the capacity for the future to truly be a wife to you.

Perhaps you both need to sit down and revisit the hurtful event from a year ago. She says that she never intended to hurt you. Sometimes, intentions that are not directed toward the unjust and cruel nonetheless are morally wrong. Here is an example: A person at a party knows that she will be driving. Yet, she drinks and then drinks to excess. She gets behind the wheel of the car, drives, crashes into another car, and breaks the leg of the other driver. She did not intend wrong. She tried to be careful even though she had too much alcohol in her. The act itself was negligent even though there was no intent to break another person’s leg. It was negligent precisely because the consequences of driving under the influence can be dire even with the best of intentions.

Does your wife see this: one can act unjustly even with intentions that are not leaning toward doing something unjust? Do you see this: Her actions, though hurtful to you, may not have been unjust? Try to have a civil dialogue about these issues. And continue to deepen your forgiveness and to see that your avowed commitment to your wife is far deeper than one even enormous hurt that she inflicted on you.

How can I be assured that, if I forgive, I will no longer experience negative emotions such as anger?

Forgiving others who acted unjustly does not automatically end negative feelings.  Our research shows that anger and other negative emotions can lessen, even in a strong way, but the negative emotions can resurface.  For example, you might have a dream about the person and you awaken with anger.  Yet, I have found that as people forgive, the anger reduces and becomes more manageable.  So, you should expect some relief from intensive anger, but because we are all imperfect people, some residual negative emotions may be present, at least at times.

How can parents help children to forgive their divorce when the parents say different things about why they divorced?

I think the key is for the parents first to realize that the children are now vulnerable because of the divorce and because of what led to the divorce.  With that in mind, the parents need to be careful in not letting their own anger at their former spouse lead to a competition for the children’s affection.  In other words, each spouse needs to be careful not to paint a very negative picture of the other to the children.  After all, both still are parents to the children and so the divorced adults need to preserve the personhood of the other spouse to the children.  This is not easy especially when deep resentment is present.  Therefore, it may be best if the spouses first forgive each other and then be aware that the children should not become victims of resentment by the parents disparaging the other spouse to the children.  When ready, the custodial parent might consider helping the children to forgive by first apologizing to the children for this family challenge of divorce.

I told my partner that I forgave him.  He did not accept it and told me he did nothing wrong.  This rejection has increased my pain.  I now have the pain from the original offense and now this.  How do you suggest I deal with this doubling of my pain?

Yes, his rejection of your gift of forgiveness is another pain for you.  If you think he is being unjust in this, you can deliberately forgive him for the original offense and then you can begin forgiving him for this second offense of denying any wrongdoing.  This double injustice does make the forgiveness journey harder, but it will be worth the effort if you are motivated to forgive both actions by your partner.

I think it is so important to foster forgiveness in families.  Children need to learn to forgive.  What advice can you give to parents for this?

Yes, I agree that it is of vital importance that this happen so that we can fortify children against the injustices that likely will occur when they are adults.  Knowing how to forgive can be a protection against the build-up of unhealthy anger.  Here is a link to one of my essays on the Psychology Today website that gives details on how a family can become a forgiving community:

Is Your Family a Forgiving Community?