Tagged: “Couples”

How can I be assured that, if I forgive, I will no longer experience negative emotions such as anger?

Forgiving others who acted unjustly does not automatically end negative feelings.  Our research shows that anger and other negative emotions can lessen, even in a strong way, but the negative emotions can resurface.  For example, you might have a dream about the person and you awaken with anger.  Yet, I have found that as people forgive, the anger reduces and becomes more manageable.  So, you should expect some relief from intensive anger, but because we are all imperfect people, some residual negative emotions may be present, at least at times.

How can parents help children to forgive their divorce when the parents say different things about why they divorced?

I think the key is for the parents first to realize that the children are now vulnerable because of the divorce and because of what led to the divorce.  With that in mind, the parents need to be careful in not letting their own anger at their former spouse lead to a competition for the children’s affection.  In other words, each spouse needs to be careful not to paint a very negative picture of the other to the children.  After all, both still are parents to the children and so the divorced adults need to preserve the personhood of the other spouse to the children.  This is not easy especially when deep resentment is present.  Therefore, it may be best if the spouses first forgive each other and then be aware that the children should not become victims of resentment by the parents disparaging the other spouse to the children.  When ready, the custodial parent might consider helping the children to forgive by first apologizing to the children for this family challenge of divorce.

I told my partner that I forgave him.  He did not accept it and told me he did nothing wrong.  This rejection has increased my pain.  I now have the pain from the original offense and now this.  How do you suggest I deal with this doubling of my pain?

Yes, his rejection of your gift of forgiveness is another pain for you.  If you think he is being unjust in this, you can deliberately forgive him for the original offense and then you can begin forgiving him for this second offense of denying any wrongdoing.  This double injustice does make the forgiveness journey harder, but it will be worth the effort if you are motivated to forgive both actions by your partner.

I think it is so important to foster forgiveness in families.  Children need to learn to forgive.  What advice can you give to parents for this?

Yes, I agree that it is of vital importance that this happen so that we can fortify children against the injustices that likely will occur when they are adults.  Knowing how to forgive can be a protection against the build-up of unhealthy anger.  Here is a link to one of my essays on the Psychology Today website that gives details on how a family can become a forgiving community:

Is Your Family a Forgiving Community?

What do I say to a partner who keeps pressuring me to forgive?  I am not a very virtuous person, he keeps telling me, if I will not forgive him.

A key question is this: Are you open to the possibility of forgiving in the future?  If so, then you can discuss with your partner that forgiving can take time.  You can clarify that your intention is to forgive, but you need a period of processing what happened, of dealing with your emotions (of sadness or anger, for example).  You should let him know that forgiveness is a choice which needs to emerge slowly for you in this case.  Even asking him for patience may reduce his pressure on you to forgive.