Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
I have heard the term “take the long perspective” regarding the injustices inflicted on me by others. What does that mean?
Go back into childhood for a moment and think about one time in which you had what seemed to be a serious disagreement with a friend. At the time, did it seem like this would go on indefinitely? Of course, it did not. Time has a way of changing our circumstances. I am not advocating a kind of passive approach to life here. “Oh, I will just wait it out and so I do not have to exert effort.” No, that is not the point. Instead, see beyond the next hill to a place that is more settled and the pain is not so great. You already saw in your childhood that conflicts end. The consequences of those conflicts (feeling sad or angry) also end.
You talk about inherent worth in the context of forgiveness. I really do not feel that I am worthy or have a great deal of value. I am not particularly religious. Can you convince me that I have worth?
You have unique DNA. There never was anyone like you on the planet and when you no longer are here, there never will be another person quite like you. You are unique. You are irreplaceable. This makes you special, very special. It then follows that you have worth, an unconditional quality that cannot be taken from you despite any unfortunate circumstances you face. Your circumstances do not make you who you are. Your essence of being special, unique, and irreplaceable makes you who you are.
It seems to me that when I forgive, I should forget or put the whole thing behind me. Yet, I am not entirely letting go of what happened. I am no longer angry, but I do find myself going back and remembering what happened. What do you suggest?
When we forgive, we do not necessarily forget all of the details of what happened. In other words, we remember in new ways, but without the burning anger. This seems to be what is happening with you. Now you look back without the anger. This is a triumph. If, when you look back, you are emotionally upset in some way (perhaps sadness rather than anger), then go through the forgiveness process again with the same person. This should help with the more recent emotion and reduce the sense of going back in your mind to any unfinished business with the forgiveness process.
When we forgive, we confront negative emotions. It seems to me that if a person now associates these negative feelings with forgiveness, then this would damage the forgiveness process for the person. What is your opinion on this?
Yes, when we forgive, we at first link the negative emotions to the forgiveness process. Yet, this linking is for diagnostic purposes only. As an analogy, suppose you broke your ankle while jogging. When you go to the doctor, you are linking the broken ankle with the medical procedure. Yet, this is necessary for the purpose of diagnosis, treatment, and healing. It is the same with forgiving. We need to know the emotion and the depth of the emotion so that we can ascertain whether or not to go ahead with a forgiveness intervention and whether or not the forgiveness intervention is working (which it is if the emotions quiet). If the forgiveness intervention is successful, then there actually is not a strong linking of the negative emotion with forgiving but a decoupling of that negative emotion with the forgiveness process.
What can you tell me about how forgiving can affect the physical heart (not the emotions but the cardiac system)?
We did a published study of men on a cardiac unit of a hospital. All of the participants had deep hurts from the past. Once they went through the forgiveness process, and four months after the end of that intervention, there was a statistically significant increase in blood flow through the heart as the men recalled the incident of deep hurt against them. This increase in blood flow did not occur for the control group that had the usual instruction of how to help the heart (diet, exercise, and stress-reduction). Here is the reference to this research:
Waltman, M.A., Russell, D.C., Coyle, C.T., Enright, R.D., Holter, A.C., & Swoboda, C. (2009). The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease. Psychology and Health, 24, 11-27.
