Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
Should Forgiveness Education be required in school curricula for kindergarten through grade 12?
Let me start with a question: What is the major purpose of education? Is it to prepare the student well for adult life? If so, how are we now preparing students to confront and overcome the grave injustices against them that can rob them of their happiness and even lead to their displacing their discontentments onto others? I think this overcoming of deep resentment happens only through forgiving. What is more important: learning how to balance a checkbook or overcoming deep resentments that could kill a person? The answer to this question, then, leads to my answer to your question: Yes, if education is to help people prepare for the rigors of adulthood, then it is wise to bring forgiveness education into school curricula.
For additional information, see Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.
I tried to expand my perspective of the one who hurt me. When I did this, I truly saw all sorts of hurts in this person. Do you know what effect this had on me? It made me not like myself because I now ask this: “How could I not have seen all of this before?” I think I am stupid and so now I am not liking myself very much. Help!
Let us take comfort from Aristotle here. This ancient Greek philosopher instructed us that it takes much time and effort to grow in each of the moral virtues such as justice, patience, kindness, and forgiveness. None of us is perfect as we try to exercise any of these virtues. As part of the process of growing in the moral virtue of forgiveness, we are challenged to take this wider perspective on those who have been unjust to us.
I have found that it is quite rare for people to take this wider perspective without some instruction. So, please be gentle with yourself. You still are growing in this moral virtue. You cannot be expected to be perfect in this process. So, as you take this longer perspective on the one who hurt you, please try to be encouraged that you, like most of the rest of us, do not automatically generate such thinking.
Therefore, you definitely are not, in your word, “stupid.” We are all on this journey of discovery and it is all right that we are not perfect at this point. In fact, Aristotle counsels us that we never reach full perfection in any of the moral virtues.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I have tried to take the perspective of my former partner, but I am finding this very difficult. Every time I step inside of his world, I see that he has lost great opportunities and has done this deliberately. Can you help me? Am I missing something when it comes to what you call “taking the other’s perspective”?
I would like to suggest an important addition to your exercises of taking your partner’s perspective. You seem to consider him primarily at the time of your conflict and his leaving. Yet, is there more to him than this? For example, was he abandoned as a child? Did someone emotionally wound him as a child or adolescent so that he now is so wounded that he cannot endure a healthy relationship? My point is this: I think there is more to him than his apparent insensitivity to you in the recent past. Is it possible that he has brought a certain brokenness into your relationship? If so, how are you viewing him when you realize this, if it is true?
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Can forgiveness restore a person’s sense of hope for a better future?
Yes, this can happen and here is one example. A study by Hansen and Enright (2009) was done with elderly women in hospice. Each had about 6 months to live. We screened the participants so that each of them had been hurt deeply in the past by a family member and each participant still was not forgiving. This was our shortest forgiveness intervention ever, 4 weeks. It was short because the life-span expectancy was short for each of the courageous women who volunteered for the study. At the end of the study, those who had the forgiveness intervention increased statistically significantly in forgiveness toward the family member(s) and in hope for the future. Some of the participants called their family to their bedside and talked about forgiveness and reconciliation in the family. Why did hope increase significantly? I think this occurred because the participants now knew that they were leaving their family in a much better position, a place of forgiveness and harmony.
Here is the reference to that research:
Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009). A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60. Click here to read the full study.
Can we forgive sociopaths, those who seem to lack all empathy and so just can’t help their crimes?
I find your question fascinating because it has a hidden philosophical assumption. You see sociopathy as a disease, similar to a physical disease, in which the person “just can’t help” the behavior. While it may be the case that some who show this lack of empathy may have brain abnormalities, it is conceivable that many others have become non-empathic because of a slow accumulation of free-will decisions made over the course of the person’s life. In other words, the idea of “just can’t help” it may be occurring now because of choices made that deliberately hurt others, with a knowledge that it was hurting them. So, yes, you should be able to forgive those who show sociopathy.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
