Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
I think that forgiveness can be woefully superficial. As people in families offer forgiveness to an abusive member of the family, it creates a superficial expectation that all is well now when it is not. What do you think?
I think you are confusing forgiving with the abandonment of justice. As you forgive, you can and should help people in the family to be respectful of one another. Forgiveness is not an open road to put up with injustice. If you do not see that, then you might misunderstand forgiveness as superficial, which it is not. Forgiveness is the courageous and patient offering of goodness to those who have not been good to you. Once this is established, it is not a sign of weakness to let others do to you whatever they wish. Forgive and seek justice. As you forgive, how you ask for justice and what you see as fair may be deeper than if you strive for justice with hate in your heart.
As a follow-up to my earlier question about forgiving my estranged mother, I actually have a fear of forgiving her because of this: What if my forgiveness brings her back into the family, and the rest of the family members do not want this?
Your forgiving your mother and then your mother being reconciled with the entire family are not the same thing. Forgiving from your heart and mind does not automatically imply that your mother will come back into the family. She would need to re-establish trust with the family members, and this might take time, given that she abandoned the family.
I want to forgive my mother for abandoning the family years ago. Yet, the rest of the family is very much opposed to forgiving her. I fear that if I forgive my mother, it will cause conflict in our family. So, should I refrain from forgiving her?
You can forgive your mother from your heart and mind when you are ready. You do not have to proclaim that forgiveness to the rest of your family if it will cause conflict. If you see that others eventually are softening their hearts toward your mother, then you might gently begin a conversation about your own forgiveness journey toward your mother.
What is the difference between forgiving and accepting a situation as it is?
When you forgive, you do not focus on situations but instead on those persons who were unfair to you. You can forgive a person and accept a person. Forgiveness, it seems to me, is a deeper response in that you are going beyond tolerance. When you accept, you are allowing the person to be who that person is, without condemnation. Forgiving goes well beyond tolerance of a person and includes kindness, respect, generosity, and even love toward that person. In other words, forgiving is a much deeper response than accepting.
Every time I try to correct my partner for his harsh tone, he gets even angrier. What frustrates me is this: I am not doing anything wrong when he does the yelling. It is as if he is angry with someone or something else and I become the innocent victim. What advice do you have for me on this?
Your partner seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement in which he takes out his anger on you even though he is angry with another person or situation. When he is in a calmer state, you might gently ask him if he is carrying a burden in his heart that is in need of healing. The burden, please keep in mind, could be from many years ago when he was a child. Your examining, together, his past wounds may uncover the injustices he has faced and the resultant anger that is being displaced onto you. If you can uncover these past challenges, then you might suggest that he forgive those people who treated him unjustly so that both of you are freed from the unpleasant consequences of the unjust treatment.
