Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
How do you correct a young child who equates forgiveness with revenge?
A first step is to talk about seeing mercy in the world. Then, this can be slowly applied to injustices, with the caveat that one can show mercy toward offending other people and, at the same time, strive for justice so that the injustice can be corrected.
You discuss how a child learns forgiveness from their family, friends, and someone of higher authority. What must a child learn specifically as the first step toward understanding forgiveness?
Actually, the most important part of children learning to forgive is teaching them what forgiveness is and how to forgive. An important initial step for the children is for them to see that forgiveness is a moral virtue of goodness toward those who hurt the child’s heart. This can take time because it is counterintuitive in societies that put almost all of their emphasis on justice rather than mercy.
During your forgiveness interviews with children and adults, what has surprised you the most?
I would say that my biggest surprise is that many people (even the vast majority) do not have an accurate understanding of what forgiveness is. Too many adults, for example, equate forgiving with “just moving on,” which is not what forgiveness, as a moral virtue of goodness toward those who have offended, actually is. This points to the need for forgiveness education for children, adolescents, and adults.
Of the things children are taught about forgiveness, what do you find to be something to avoid?
Perhaps the most important issue is to be careful not to subtly set up the expectation that they **must** forgive. This does not help them be drawn to forgiveness.
Anger is a normal reaction to injustice, right? Do we repress some anger when we forgive?
Anger does seem to be a natural part of reacting to injustice. We need to remember that anger can be felt and expressed along a continuum. If the anger is short-lived and not extremely intense, then it can be useful in energizing a person who then strives to correct the injustice. When anger becomes extreme, both in its duration and intensity, forgiveness can be an effective way to control it. Forgiveness exercised in the right way (by not denying the injustice and not denying the angry reaction) can actually reduce the anger. When this happens, the anger is not repressed but instead is diminished.
